Fanfiction: Reality Checks

[rachel500]

Fandom: Stargate SG1
Series: Aftershocks
TAG to Episode: S6 Shadow Play
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Mild Sam/Jack UST. Jack/Team friendship.  Jonas/Team friendship.
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.  Written for entertainment purposes only.

 

Reality Checks

The mental hospital wasn’t what Jonas Quinn had expected. The bright cheerful decor of the patient common room seemed far too airy with light streaming in from the large open windows at the end of the room. The comfortable chairs in difference shades of pastel were dotted about into groupings; some centred on a muted television, others around tables where board games were being played. A variety of individuals – some in uniforms denoting them as staff, some in casual dress, some in nightwear and slippers – mingled in the room. Most didn’t look mentally ill. They all looked like normal, regular people. What did a mentally ill person actually look like, Jonas thought crossly. Had he really thought he’d see a room full of crazy people with staring eyes and wild hair?

One individual drew his attention: Doctor Benjamin Kieran. His former mentor sat in a wheelchair parked up by the windows. His head was wrapped in a bandage; a cast adorned one leg. He wore pinstriped pyjamas under a warm maroon dressing gown. He stared out of the window, apparently uninterested in the rest of the occupants of the room. Jonas felt his throat close up as he contemplated the demise of a once great mind and the loss of the man he had known.

‘As you can see,’ Doctor Mackenzie murmured beside him, ‘our non-violent and low risk patients are provided with a great deal of freedom. Doctor Kieran will get one-to-one and group therapy sessions as well as medical treatments designed to control the paranoia he exhibits and his hallucinations.’

Jonas nodded. He’d already been given the tour of the rest of the facility. It seemed far beyond anything they had on Kelowna. The mental institutions there seemed more like a prison than a place of treatment. He spared a thought for Doctors Leed and Silas. He doubted the other two scientists had fared as well and wondered briefly if he should have offered to have had them relocated to Earth too. His fingers tightened on the cap he held in his hand.

‘Doctor Kieran will be given the best possible care here, Jonas.’ Janet Fraiser assured him, placing a hand on his arm.

He nodded again, unable to speak and was faintly aware of the doctor exchanging a look of concern with Teal’c. She had driven him and the Jaffa out to the facility, following the military ambulance that transported Doctor Kieran.

Janet squeezed his arm and let go. ‘Doctor Mackenzie and I have some things to discuss,’ she said, ‘maybe you could spend some time with Doctor Kieran? I’m sure he’d be pleased to see you.’

‘Of course.’ Jonas said automatically. He attempted a smile but he couldn’t sustain it.

The doctors gave him sympathetic smiles and retreated.

Teal’c inclined his head, the woollen cap he wore safely covering his Goa’uld brand. ‘I will wait outside for you, Jonas Quinn.’

Jonas waved his own cap at the Jaffa; silent permission for him to leave. He was grateful that Teal’c had accompanied him but talking with Doctor Kieran was his responsibility.

He could do it.

He could.

He stared down at the cap in his hands before he took a deep breath and entered the common room. It seemed to take no time at all before he had crossed the space separating him from the older man. Jonas pulled up a chair and sat down.

Kieran looked at him and smiled. ‘Jonas.’

‘Professor.’ Jonas said respectfully. He glanced out of the window at the beautifully manicured lawn and gardens. ‘Pretty.’

‘It’s stunning.’ Kieran said.

Jonas nodded; such greenery was unknown on Kelowna. Industrialisation had paved over all the grass long ago.

‘Have you had word from Kelowna?’ Kieran asked urgently.

Uncertainty filled Jonas. What did he do? Play into the other man’s illusions or tell the truth. He sighed. ‘We haven’t heard anything yet.’ It was the truth.

Kieran sat back with a heavy sigh and tapped the arm of the wheelchair. ‘I fear the resistance met with military force when they entered the secure facility.’

‘You could be right.’ Jonas murmured. He gestured around the room. ‘How are you settling in?’

‘I’m fine, Jonas.’ Kieran gave him a reassuring smile. ‘I’ve been treated very well.’ His dark eyes sharpened on something behind Jonas and he pointed. ‘What’s that?’

Jonas glanced behind him. A member of staff was playing a game with a patient, moving black and white objects over a chequered board. ‘I think it’s called chess.’ He turned back to the professor. ‘It’s very popular here. Maybe we can learn to play it together.’

Kieran smiled. ‘I have a feeling that you’re going to be much too busy to worry about me, Jonas. You have your new life and adventures.’

‘I’ll never be too busy for you, Professor.’ The lump in his throat was back and Jonas looked away before the older man saw the tears in his eyes.

‘Jonas.’ The insistent tone so familiar pulled Jonas’s attention back to Kieran.

His old professor looked back at him with surprising clarity in his dark gaze. ‘I never got the chance to tell you before but I want you to know that I’ve always considered you the son I never had.’ He raised a hand before Jonas could speak. ‘I never married; never considered it an importance compared to the work that I was doing.’ His face drooped and he lifted his eyes heavenward for a moment. ‘If I had only known the outcome; the terrible destruction...’

His hand fisted on his thigh. His gaze snapped back to Jonas and determination glinted there as though Kieran was hell bent on saying something; that he needed to say something. ‘When you stood up and told the truth, Jonas; when you left the programme and made a stand...I was proud of you.’ He reached out and patted Jonas’s arm before retreating again. ‘I am proud of you.’

Jonas couldn’t speak. He blinked back the tears in his eyes, swiped at his nose and nodded furiously in acknowledgement without meeting the professor’s gaze.

‘I’ve been in touch with the resistance.’ Kieran said suddenly, leaning forward urgently. ‘Things are going to plan.’ He tapped the side of his nose and gave Jonas a conspiratorial grin. ‘Soon, Jonas.’ He promised. ‘Soon, we can both go home.’

For a second, Jonas blinked in shock at the sudden about turn in Kieran’s mental state. He nodded slowly. ‘Sure, professor.’

He didn’t stay much longer before saying his goodbyes with promises to visit often. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to keep his promises; wasn’t sure he wanted to in truth. He had a valid excuse; his work with SG1 and at the SGC was all-consuming. But he would try, Jonas thought stubbornly, as he made his way out to the front gardens and slumped onto a wooden bench. It was the least he owed the professor.

Jonas stuffed his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, grateful for the warmth as the chill Colorado air cooled his exposed skin. He raised his face to the clear blue sky and let the tears he had been holding at bay fall unashamedly. He wondered if the man he knew would ever be restored in the ruined shell of a mind and body that Doctor Kieran occupied. The doctors were sceptical about recovery. They spoke in terms of halting the progression; of preventing it from worsening; controlling the symptoms. Over twenty years of naquadria exposure had damaged the professor beyond repair it seemed. He closed his eyes and let his mind drift back to his first meeting with the professor; his interview to attend the Academy...

‘So you’re Quinn.’ Kieran looked up from the papers on his desk and regarded Jonas with a searching gaze. ‘I’ve read your entry essay.’

‘Yes, sir.’ Jonas tried hard not to fidget but he shifted on the chair unable to completely reign in his restless energy.

‘It’s a challenging topic.’ Kieran said, leaning back and folding his hands over his stomach. ‘Ethics and Scientific Progress.’

Jonas nodded, his long hair in danger of falling from its careful swept back style. ‘I’m fascinated by the topic.’

‘Why?’ Kieran asked bluntly.

‘Why?’ Jonas started in surprise.

Kieran indicated the paper in front of him. ‘Why?’

Jonas wet his lips and tried to get some moisture in his suddenly dry mouth. ‘Science is the pursuit of knowledge but sometimes we get too focused on the goal and fail to see the wider implications.’

‘You said as much in your essay.’ Kieran noted. ‘But I was asking you why you were interested in this topic. Not why ethics in science is a good thing.’ There was a gentle mockery in his voice that had Jonas flushing bright red.

‘My father,’ Jonas began, gesturing awkwardly with a sweaty hand, ‘my father worked in the same building as scientists working on a new form of chemical weapon during the last skirmish with the Andari Federation. The scientists were experimenting and didn’t realise they had released the gas into the rest of the building.’ His voice rang with the memory of the hospital morgue and the smell of bleach, of death; his hand held tightly in his mother’s. ‘My father was one of three civilians who died.’

Kieran regarded him for a long moment. ‘Are you against all military application of scientific progress?’

‘Not at all.’ Jonas said. ‘I believe there has to be improvements in our defences if we are to survive another attack and I believe those improvements will come from science. I just believe we have a duty to ensure we truly consider the cost.’

Kieran nodded slowly. ‘You certainly make a compelling argument and you’re right; scientists sometimes do need that voice of conscience to remind us.’ He straightened. ‘Welcome to the Academy, Jonas.’

‘I’m...I’m, uh...’

‘You’re in.’ Kieran smiled widely, getting to his feet. ‘I’m looking forward to working with you, Jonas.’

‘Yes, sir.’ Jonas sprang out of the chair. ‘Me too, sir. With you, I mean.’

‘Jonas Quinn.’ Teal’c’s deep voice pulled him from his memory. ‘May I join you?’

Jonas shifted along the bench, surreptitiously swiping at his wet face, and Teal’c sat down.

‘This is most difficult.’ Teal’c commented. ‘Doctor Kieran is your mentor and friend.’

‘More than that.’ Jonas admitted roughly. ‘He’s been the closest thing to a father I ever had.’

Teal’c gave a huff of agreement. ‘So it is with my mentor Bra’tac.’

Jonas risked a look at the Jaffa. Teal’c’s stern profile gave nothing away. ‘Your father died?’

‘When I was but a young boy.’ Teal’c confirmed. ‘Bra’tac taught me how to be a warrior.’

‘Doctor Kieran taught me to be a scientist.’ Jonas sighed. ‘I never told him how important he was to me.’

‘He is not yet dead.’ Teal’c pointed out implacably.

‘Isn’t he?’ Jonas asked bluntly. ‘The man in that building,’ he stabbed a finger towards the hospital, ‘he’s not the same man. He’s a shadow of the great man I knew.’ He shifted on the bench as Teal’c raised his eyebrow. ‘For a moment, when we were talking, I really thought he was back but...’ he shook his head, tears welling up again before he could prevent them.

Teal’c placed a heavy hand on Jonas’s shoulder. ‘He may only be a shadow of the man you once knew but perhaps he will understand your words even if he cannot show it.’

‘Maybe.’ Jonas sniffed, swiping at his nose.

Teal’c passed him a handkerchief.

‘Thank you.’ Jonas gave an apologetic smile. ‘I’m sure you didn’t come just with me for this.’

Teal’c inclined his head. ‘Am I not your friend, Jonas Quinn?’

‘You are.’ Jonas said. ‘And I really appreciate that.’

‘I also appreciate our friendship.’ Teal’c said firmly.

Jonas blew his nose. ‘I can’t help thinking about what’s happening on Kelowna. If they’ve used the bomb...’

‘I believe they will use it if they have not already done so.’ Teal’c said.

Jonas sighed heavily. ‘Yeah. Me too.’ He had helped build it, and perhaps the true destructive power of it hadn’t been known when he had, but he wondered that he hadn’t questioned the ethics of it before the arrival of SG1 on Kelowna. It had only been Daniel Jackson’s sacrifice that had prompted him into questioning what they – what he was doing. He pressed his lips together. ‘It was weird going back.’ The food, the buildings, the streets; everything so familiar and yet so changed. Or maybe it was he who had changed.

‘As it once for me on Chulak.’ Teal’c said.

‘How did you know you did the right thing, Teal’c?’ Jonas asked quietly.

Teal’c looked at Jonas. ‘I have never questioned it.’

Jonas felt his cheeks redden again. ‘I question it all the time. I mean, I know I left because I believed Earth could do more with the naquadria; could provide my people with a real way of defending ourselves rather than using a bomb but...’ he sighed again, ‘I just can’t help thinking that perhaps if I’d stayed maybe I could have convinced them not to use the bomb.’

‘I do not believe you would have been successful.’ Teal’c said.

Jonas nodded. He knew that was the truth but it still rankled with him that he hadn’t been able to prevent it. People were going to die and horribly. And he had helped create the monster that would kill them.

o-O-o

Janet settled into the visitor chair in Robert Mackenzie’s office and blew on the coffee he had just handed her. ‘I want to thank you again, Robert, for taking the time to show Jonas around.’

Mackenzie waved away her thanks. His smile softened his sharp features. He picked up his own mug – a gift from his children, Janet surmised, seeing the bold proclamation of ‘world’s greatest Dad’ on the front. He stretched out his long legs and crossed them at the ankle. ‘I’m just pleased you could come in for this consultation on Colonel O’Neill.’ He paused, his smile falling away and his face settling into serious lines. ‘I received General Hammond’s request to sign off on the Colonel’s full return to duty given his satisfactory performance on Kelowna.’

Janet took a sip of her coffee. She knew the psychiatrist had only signed off on the Kelownan mission as an exception given its primarily diplomatic objective. ‘But you have concerns.’

‘I have concerns.’ Mackenzie agreed. His gaze narrowed on her. ‘Especially given the prompt for this request.’

Janet pulled a face. ‘You mean the Tok’ra’s request for SG1 to make contact with their operative, Khonsu.’

‘I do.’ Mackenzie set his mug down and picked up a file. ‘General Hammond was kind enough to send this over. I admit...I find the contents worrying.’ He paged to the correct section. ‘The plan requires for SG1 to ostensibly be captured by Khonsu in his disguise as a Goa’uld in the service of Anubis.’ He lifted his gaze to Janet.

‘You’re concerned that being captured even if it’s a ruse will trigger flashbacks.’ Janet realised.

‘That is a possibility.’ Mackenzie said, placing the file back on his desk. ‘There’s also a concern that this plan requires Colonel O’Neill to place his trust in a Tok’ra to keep him and his team safe during capture.’

‘I believe that’s one of the reasons why the Tok’ra have suggested the mission.’ Janet replied. She gestured with her mug. ‘Major Davis believes the Tok’ra have requested SG1 do this mission rather than using one of their own people as some kind of...of olive branch to repair relations between us.’

‘They show trust in the Colonel by requesting SG1 specifically and in return the Colonel will demonstrate trust in them by allowing Khonsu to capture him and his team.’ Mackenzie realised out loud. He shook his head. ‘Who thought that was a good idea?’

Janet smiled. ‘The Colonel said the same thing at the briefing.’

Mackenzie’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Maybe I’ve been spending too much time with him.’ He joked.

‘The Tok’ra also stated that it could be weeks before Khonsu would be in a position to put the plan into effect.’ Janet murmured. ‘It does provide an excuse to keep SG1 on primarily low risk missions in the interim while they wait for the call.’

‘Hmmm.’ Mackenzie picked up his mug again and took a large gulp of coffee. ‘It just feels that the universe is determined to test the Colonel’s limits of endurance; Kelowna and this?’ He shook his head. ‘It’s not exactly the ideal path of recovery.’

Janet looked at him sharply. ‘Has he talked about Kelowna?’ All the members of SG1 had eschewed the grief counselling offered after Daniel’s Ascension following the incident on Kelowna. She knew the return visit had to have been painful for all of them; had to have stirred up old emotions and feelings.

‘No.’ Mackenzie admitted. ‘The Colonel has a remarkable ability to compartmentalise.’ He wet his lips. ‘Obviously I can’t go into the details of our sessions...’

‘Obviously.’ Janet agreed.

‘But he made it clear very early that our discussions would be limited to his experience as a host and the subsequent capture by Ba’al.’ Mackenzie concluded. He put his mug down and unbuttoned the cuff of one shirt sleeve, rolling it up to his elbow. ‘And to return to your question, I don’t believe his return trip to Kelowna has substantially impacted his recovery.’

‘But?’ prompted Janet, shifting to cross her legs.

Mackenzie rolled up his other sleeve before answering. ‘The Colonel is showing a level of acceptance about being a host; helped, I believe, in the physiological changes being relatively minor.’

‘Yes.’ Janet nodded. ‘The levels of naquadah in his blood are very minute. It’s probable that a normal blood test would miss the anomaly completely.’

‘I understand he can’t use the Goa’uld technology?’ Mackenzie checked.

‘Correct. He and Major Carter experimented just before the Kelowna mission.’ Janet sipped her coffee. ‘He was unable to activate either the healing device or the hand device.’

Mackenzie nodded. ‘And his ability to sense Goa’uld is also minimal?’

‘He can sense Major Carter and Teal’c if they’re standing close to him but not if they’re across the room. The Major can sense him in the room but Teal’c cannot.’ Janet said crisply. ‘The Major has theorised that the Colonel’ll be able to sense a Goa’uld in close proximity like Teal’c but not at the range she can.’

‘Interesting.’ Mackenzie murmured. ‘Obviously the difference is due to the symbiote actually dying in the Major’s body.’

Janet nodded. ‘That’s the prevailing theory.’ She waved a hand at him. ‘As you say, I think it’s helped the Colonel place his own experience in regards to being a host in perspective. In comparison to the Major, he has much less to contend with.’

‘Which just leaves the matter of his extended torture.’ Mackenzie said.

‘His physical progress has been impressive.’ Janet acknowledged, finishing the coffee and setting the mug aside. ‘He’s worked hard to regain his fitness. I wouldn’t have agreed to the Kelownan mission myself if physically he wasn’t ready for off-world travel.’ She left unsaid that Mackenzie’s view of the Colonel’s psychological status was the deciding factor.

‘He’s no longer exhibiting any of the usual signs of PTSD.’ Mackenzie noted. ‘He’s surprisingly forthright about what he went through...’

‘Really?’ Janet blurted out. She pulled a face. ‘Sorry.’

Mackenzie smiled. ‘I don’t blame you, Janet. I admit that I had anticipated more of a battle with him myself.’

‘So, he’s been co-operative?’ Janet checked, almost unsure they were talking about the same Colonel O’Neill that she knew; the one that usually eschewed any kind of emotional sharing and hid behind a shield of wry sarcasm and dry wit; who winced openly at the mention of psychological help or assessment.

‘For the Colonel,’ Mackenzie qualified, ‘very.’ He gestured awkwardly. ‘Within the boundaries he has set.’

‘Wow.’ Janet folded her arms. ‘Are you concerned that his co-operation is an act to divert attention from his issues?’

Mackenzie shook his head. ‘I believe he has been sincere.’ He pursed his lips. ‘There is one area of our discussion where the Colonel remains evasive however.’

Janet frowned. She wondered if it had anything to do with the Colonel’s old feelings for Samantha Carter. He would want to protect the Major from any fallout but then why would his old feelings factor into his experience with Ba’al? She knew Mackenzie wouldn’t go into the details but she definitely needed more than he had hinted at...

‘Perhaps if I was to say that it concerns those moments where he was left in a cell alone.’ Mackenzie expanded as though he had read her mind.

He probably had picked up on her body language, Janet thought ruefully, relaxing as she realised whatever the Colonel was hiding was related to his experience and unlikely to concern old confessions of feeling more than he should for a member of his team. She focused on her colleague. ‘Do you believe that the Colonel is hiding any suicidal thoughts he had during that time?’

‘No,’ Mackenzie shook his head. ‘That’s not a concern.’

His gaze remained guarded and Janet realised he and the Colonel had already touched on the subject of suicide. Her heart beat a little faster. It wouldn’t have been unusual for the Colonel to have contemplated suicide during his captivity given what he was going through and evidently Mackenzie had been assured that any suicidal thoughts had been appropriate and no longer relevant.

She pushed her hair back behind an ear. ‘Rape?’ She inquired, keeping her query professionally brisk. The sarcophagus would have eliminated any physical evidence and it would explain the Colonel’s reticence.

‘I don’t believe so.’ Mackenzie said. ‘While I believe he would be disinclined to confide such an experience regardless of what else he has shared, he’s exhibited no other signs. He’s comfortable around Teal’c which rules out a Jaffa; comfortable around me insofar as I’m another male; and he’s quite clear that he only saw Ba’al during the torture sessions.’

‘So...’

‘It’s not unusual for traumatised victims to experience hallucinations during captivity.’ Mackenzie said mildly.

‘And you’re concerned that if the Colonel hasn’t admitted to these hallucinations they could possibly resurface during his mock-capture by Khonsu.’ Janet realised. She sat back and contemplated Mackenzie’s concern. ‘There is an alternative theory.’

‘That his time was spent in contemplation of other events of his life.’ Mackenzie supplied. ‘And that his evasion is down to his compartmentalisation; he doesn’t consider it relevant and so he won’t discuss it.’ He nodded. ‘Yes, I have considered that.’

Janet sat forward. ‘Perhaps you should ask him outright if he experienced hallucinations, you may be able to assess from his reaction what the truth of the matter is.’

‘I agree.’ Mackenzie sighed. ‘I guess I just needed to have it confirmed as the only option; I had hoped to avoid such a confrontational approach.’

Janet’s lips twitched. ‘The Colonel has been known to appreciate a direct question.’ Humour lit up her brown eyes. ‘You should just be prepared for...’

‘A direct answer.’ Mackenzie finished with a rueful smile. He uncrossed his ankles and shifted position, clearly signalling the end of the consultation. ‘And it was going so well.’ He quipped.

Janet got to her feet and shoved her hands in the deep pockets of her wool coat. ‘Look at it this way, Robert; if he reassures you on this issue, it will be his final session.’

Mackenzie nodded as he escorted her to the door. ‘Let’s hope.’

Janet nodded as she said goodbye. She made her way through the corridors, heading for the outside where she had arranged to meet Jonas and Teal’c.

She really hoped it was the Colonel’s final session; hoped he would return to the field with SG1. She remembered all too well how impossible such a recovery had seemed when she had collected the Colonel from the Alpha site. It would be a victory of sorts to see him back in action and God knew they needed some kind of victory to raise spirits. The loss of Daniel still hung over the base...everything seemed harder without him around.

Or maybe that was just her.

Janet hunched her shoulders as she got into the elevator. She punched the floor button and slumped back against the wall of the small compartment. She closed her eyes. She had promised herself a night out with Sam when the Colonel was recovered. It would be the first step in trying to move on from her unrequited and hopeless feelings about Daniel and the feelings she suspected her friend was still harbouring about the Colonel. It was time, Janet thought determinedly; it was time to move forward.

o-O-o

Sam changed gear smoothly as she accelerated away from the base checkpoint and onto the open road. She glanced across at her passenger. Jonas sat quietly beside her, unusually silent. He hadn’t asked a single question since she had picked him up from his office. She knew he’d had a rough time with the visit to Kelowna and the discovery of his mentor’s illness. It couldn’t have been easy for him seeing his old professor admitted to a mental hospital the day before.

She bit her lip as she wondered if she should say something. She and Jonas had a solid working relationship but she hadn’t developed the easy friendship with him that she’d enjoyed with Daniel. It hadn’t helped that Jonas had kept his distance from the rest of the team in an effort to give the Colonel space during his recovery. She sighed.

The Colonel had shown a remarkable show of will to return to the field. She knew from her own past with Jolinar that it wasn’t easy to come to terms with being an ex-host but to face that on top of the torture he had been subjected to...her fingers clenched on the steering wheel. Admiration for the Colonel, with an edge of something far more dangerous, sneaked upon her before she could wrestle her emotions into their proper place. She rolled her shoulders. It was disheartening to realise that she was more in love with him than ever.

Her mind slipped to Janet’s invitation to a girls’ night out the following Saturday. She winced. She had been unable to formulate a valid excuse to get out of it. Janet had been so keen and she had felt unable to refuse. She tapped her fingers absently along with the music playing from her CD player. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing to get out, have a couple of drinks in a nice bar somewhere and Janet was good company. It had been a while since she’d actually done something like that.

A long while.

Most of her nights out in the previous five years had involved team nights with SG1 such as the one she was on her way to enjoy that evening. The Colonel had issued the invitations earlier after confirming he had successfully been cleared for full duty by Doctor Mackenzie. She figured he’d also wanted to cheer up Jonas although she was sure the probability of the Colonel ever admitting that would involve freezing temperatures in Hell. Her eyes briefly checked on Jonas. It was his first team night. Any other time she would have expected him to have been excited as it was...

Sam cleared her throat. ‘You OK, Jonas?’

‘Fine, thanks.’ Jonas replied, his mind clearly elsewhere.

‘Penny for them?’ Sam asked impulsively. Just because she and Jonas weren’t friends the way she and Daniel had been didn’t mean that she couldn’t offer him a shoulder, Sam mused resolutely. That’s what team-mates did for each other after all.

Jonas looked at her confused.

‘It means what’s on your mind.’ Sam clarified. She lifted a hand from the wheel. ‘You seem miles away, lost in thought.’

Jonas’s face cleared and he gave a chagrined grimace. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not exactly good company tonight.’

She looked at him sympathetically. ‘You thinking about Doctor Kieran?’

‘Not exactly.’

Jonas surprised her with his answer and some of it must have showed because he gestured awkwardly.

‘I mean, I do think about him but there’s not a great deal I can do for him and the facility seems very well equipped to handle his illness so...’ his voice trailed away.

‘Then, what are you thinking about?’ Sam pressed as she took the next turn-off.

‘I’ve been reading up on some old Earth history.’ Jonas explained. ‘The Manhattan project to be exact.’

‘Ah.’ Sam gave an inward sigh as she realised he had gone in search of Earth’s own experience with weapons of mass destruction and specifically the first atomic bomb. ‘And?’

‘And there are some parallels between what happened here and Kelowna.’ Jonas said. ‘Not so much in the political scenarios leading to the use of the bombs but in the scientific endeavours that led to their creation.’ He shifted in his seat to look at her fully. ‘I was fascinated by the documented account of Doctor Oppenheimer’s thoughts as he witnessed the first test.’

Sam cast her mind back. ‘The ‘I am become death; the destroyer of worlds’ thing?’

‘Yes.’ Jonas nodded. ‘Doctor Kieran said that he had nightmares about the bomb test on Kelowna. If it was even half as powerful as the atomic bomb Doctor Oppenheimer witnessed...’ he sighed heavily. ‘And then there’s me.’

‘You?’ Sam looked at him startled. ‘I thought Janet said you were fine.’

‘Sure, physically I wasn’t as exposed as Doctor Kieran to the naquadria and my role quickly moved from the actual scientific engineering to a more supervisory position so my exposure was very minimal compared to Doctor Kieran.’ Jonas said. ‘No, what I meant was: I was supposed to be the ethical advisor on the bomb.’ He looked at her with the air of a man confessing his sins to his priest. ‘I could have stopped it right back when I joined the naquadria programme.’

‘Jonas,’ Sam leaned forward and switched off the background music, ‘let’s suppose for a moment that you’re right; that it was up to you to stop this. Why didn’t you?’

Jonas slumped back in his seat and looked away from her. ‘Because at the time I thought we were doing the right thing.’

‘Why?’ Sam pushed harder. When he didn’t answer she turned to look at him only to find him staring back at her. ‘Jonas?’

‘Uh, sorry.’ Jonas gave an apologetic smile. ‘It’s just...you reminded me of Doctor Kieran for a moment there.’

Her eyebrows rose.

‘I mean, before...when he used to be my professor.’ Jonas added hurriedly.

‘Thank you.’ She said dryly.

‘And to answer your question, because I thought a bomb would be a deterrent.’ Jonas admitted. ‘I didn’t think we’d ever actually use it.’ He sighed. ‘When I realised that my government really did intend to use it...’

‘You made a stand and left.’ Sam completed.

‘But too late to stop them.’ Jonas pointed out.

‘So what you’re saying is that you should have been able to read their minds or predict the future?’ Sam shot back. She darted a glance at him. ‘You had no way of knowing their intentions, Jonas. You made the best decision you could with the knowledge you had at the time. That’s all any of us can do.’

‘Maybe I should have objected to the idea of a bomb being created in the first place.’ Jonas argued. ‘Science is supposed to be about the pursuit of knowledge, about benefiting society not about building bombs.’

Sam smiled sadly. ‘You remind me of Daniel. He and I had this same debate one time.’

‘I do?’ Jonas asked surprised. ‘I mean...I...’ He trailed away awkwardly.

‘It’s OK.’ Sam said, realising he was wondering if he was treading on a sensitive spot for her. ‘It was meant to be a compliment.’

‘I can’t see Doctor Jackson ever agreeing with my government’s decision to build the bomb.’

‘No,’ Sam said, ‘Daniel knows if you build a bomb even as a deterrent you generally intend to use it even if it’s just once.’

‘Because it really only becomes a deterrent if people see the destruction it can bring and truly fear it.’ Jonas nodded. ‘Colonel O’Neill made the same argument and I see what he meant now.’

‘Well, Daniel and the Colonel both have the benefit of hindsight.’ Sam said. ‘And not all bombs are bad. They can be used in the rescue of people trapped somewhere or to facilitate an escape. Bombs are not intrinsically evil; it’s how they’re used that defines that.’ She frowned, her mind drifting back. ‘And sometimes, it’s not always black and white. If you believe that a bomb is the only way of preventing the loss of many lives in your own nation state because your enemy is capable of sustaining a protracted war you have no way of winning, is using it really wrong even if it takes out a number of your enemy in the most horrendous way possible? Sometimes the ethical and moral dilemmas aren’t easy to navigate.’

‘That sounds like the voice of experience.’ Jonas commented.

Sam lifted one shoulder. ‘I’ve been ordered to make a bomb to blow up a ship carrying the last hope of a dead race to be resurrected in order to save a group of people on the planet below. It wasn’t an easy order to follow.’

‘But you followed it.’ Jonas stated.

She noted he didn’t ask which mission and assumed he knew she was referring to the situation with the Gadmeer and the Enkarans. ‘Unless you are absolutely certain you’re being ordered to do something illegal, you don’t get choose which orders you follow and which you don’t when you’re in the military, Jonas.’ Sam sighed. ‘I didn’t like the order and I was pleased when Daniel found another option but at the end of the day, I would have followed the order and I would have felt responsible for the destruction of the Gadmeer.’

‘I feel responsible.’ Jonas said as she made the turning into the Colonel’s drive. ‘I feel like Oppenheimer; like I have blood on my hands.’

‘Maybe we’re meant to feel that way.’ Sam said softly, parking the car behind the Colonel’s truck. She turned the engine off and exchanged an understanding look with Jonas. ‘We should take responsibility.’

Jonas nodded slowly. ‘You’re right; you’re right. It’s just...’ he gave a grimace, ‘it isn’t easy to come to terms with that.’

Sam reached over and patted his arm. ‘It shouldn’t be easy, Jonas.’ She tilted her head. ‘I think the day it becomes easy...that’s when you should start worrying.’

He nodded again.

She jerked her head at the house in front of them. ‘Come on. Let’s go eat some bad barbeque and watch a movie.’

Jonas looked startled but followed her out of the car. Sam bit her lip as she knocked on the wood of the front door. She couldn’t help but wonder if she’d helped Jonas or just confused him more. What she did know was that she was suddenly in need of the beer the Colonel was bound to offer her.

o-O-o

Jack tipped the beer bottle and swallowed a large gulp of the cold liquid. He was trying to ignore Carter curled up on the sofa next to him. She was close enough that he could feel the warmth of her arm against his; the touch of her thigh as it bumped his; the scent of her shampoo. He tried to focus on the television where the movie Teal’c had chosen was playing out. He really had no idea what it was about. He’d lost interest around the time the main character had claimed to be an alien. He really wasn’t that into sci-fi. Still, Jack mused, there were worse ways to while away a couple of hours than to sit next to Carter and spend some time with his team.

His dark eyes drifted to Jonas and felt a twinge of guilt. They really should have done a team night when the kid joined SG1 but Jack hadn’t been ready. His jaw tensed. The team hadn’t been ready, he corrected mentally – and he stood by that. And they would have done something sooner if it hadn’t been for the whole getting snaked and tortured by Ba’al episode.

A slight shudder ran through him and he ignored it. It was behind him. He had cleared the last of his psych sessions and was returned to full duty. He traced the label on the bottle with his thumb as his mind slipped back to his hour with Mackenzie...

‘I have to tell you, Colonel, that I would have cleared you already except I believe there is something about your time in the cell that you haven’t yet mentioned.’ The sharp-eyed psychiatrist levelled a ‘you don’t fool me’ look at Jack.

Jack resisted the urge to squirm and kept his mouth shut. There was no way in hell he was admitting to seeing Daniel.

‘It’s not unusual for someone alone in captivity to hallucinate during periods of solitude.’ Mackenzie offered into the silence.

Jack stared back at him sardonically. ‘Was there a question in there, Doc?’

‘Yes,’ Mackenzie admitted with a rueful ‘you got me’ gesture, ‘there was.’

‘No,’ Jack said firmly, ‘I didn’t hallucinate anything. Well,’ he paused and made a face, ‘Shallan but that was really more of a memory than a hallucination although I might not have, maybe, exactly realised that at the time.’

Mackenzie twirled his pen around his fingers. ‘I see.’

Jack lifted an eyebrow. It was in part a challenge to see if the doctor was going to call him on his statement.

Mackenzie sighed. ‘I think we’re done, Colonel.’

Jack hid his satisfaction and sprang to his feet. ‘You won’t mind if I say I hope not to see you again, Doc.’

‘My sentiments exactly, Colonel.’

Jack’s mouth fell open; the shrink had a sense of humour; who knew?

Mackenzie smiled. ‘Good luck, Colonel.’

Of course, Jack thought with some chagrin, he wasn’t really sure of he hadn’t hallucinated Daniel. It seemed bizarre looking back.

Daniel.

Glowy Daniel who could let shoes pass right through him.

Maybe it hadn’t been Daniel. After all, if it had been Daniel, wouldn’t his friend have broken him out of there the first minute he’d laid eyes on him? And then there was the offer of Ascension. Daniel had to have known that was going nowhere...

But.

He couldn’t shake the belief that it had been Daniel.

He’d looked the same.

Sounded the same.

Daniel had gotten him out of there eventually. And he’d given Jack hope that he would be OK: hope that he’d recover from his experience.

And Jack had.

He gulped back his beer and frowned at the empty bottle. Maybe it had been a hallucination but he really, really preferred to believe it had been Daniel – even if he had taken his time getting Jack’s butt out of there.

God, he missed Daniel. He missed his friend’s presence at the team night. His eyes landed on Jonas again.

It wasn’t Jonas’s fault Daniel wasn’t there and he was. Jack had accepted that a long while back otherwise Jonas would never have made it onto SG1. He figured even if Jonas had been the one to act initially, Daniel would have rushed to help anyway, still have received his fatal dose of radiation; still have gone glowy.

Jonas had done the right thing. Maybe it had taken him some time to get there but he had done the right thing. Unlike the rest of the Kelownan government who seemed determined to ignore things like truth and honesty. He scowled. Not that their own government was sometimes any better but that wasn’t the point...the Kelownan’s had tried to smear Daniel’s name and that was unacceptable to Jack.

His eyes went to Jonas again. More, he hadn’t been overly impressed with the way they’d treated Jonas. The kid had certainly not been prepared for the cold shoulder he’d received nor for the way they’d tried to use him over his old professor who was, to put it bluntly, nuts. Whichever way he looked at it, Jonas had had a rough couple of days. Not that the team night was about cheering up the newest member of the team. Nope. Nothing to do with trying to get a smile out of the kid.

Which was just as well, Jack mused as Jonas quietly got to his feet and made his way through the open door to the deck outside, seeing as it seemed to be failing to achieve that simple objective.

Jack sighed inwardly and turned back to the others to find them looking at him. He bristled. ‘What?’

‘Perhaps you should check on him, sir.’ Sam offered tentatively.

‘Major Carter is correct.’ Teal’c raised the eyebrow. ‘It is your turn, O’Neill.’

Jack looked from the Jaffa – and who could argue with the eyebrow – to Sam who smiled at him expectantly. He got to his feet. ‘I just want to make it clear that I’m only going to check on Jonas because that’s my job. I’m the leader here.’

Teal’c inclined his head but Jack caught the hint of a smile on the Jaffa’s lips.

By contrast, Sam’s smile widened and her blue eyes shone with repressed mirth. ‘Yes, sir.’

He wondered how she managed to make the two words so...so insubordinate. He spun on his heel and headed into the kitchen. He got no respect.

He was so proud.

He grabbed a couple of beers, knocked the tops off them and made his way out to the deck, closing the door behind him. Jonas sat on the lawn, legs stretched out in front of him, knees slightly bent, looking up at the night sky. Jack sent a darting look up at the darkness; it was cloudy, barely a star shining. He ambled over and sat down next to the newest member of SG1. He handed him the beer.

Jonas looked at him startled and took the beer without thinking. He regarded the bottle for a long time before he eventually raised it to his lips and took a hesitant sip. He made a face as he swallowed and coughed.

Jack hid his smile by taking a large gulp of his own beer.

‘People actually drink this?’ Jonas asked incredulous.

‘Yup.’ Jack said succinctly.

‘Unbelievable.’ Jonas muttered. He set the beer bottle down beside him in the grass and clasped his hands loosely over his knees.

Jack gestured back towards the house. ‘You didn’t like the movie?’

‘It was interesting,’ Jonas said, ‘I, uh, just needed some air.’ He gestured briefly at the shadowy garden. ‘You have a great home. We don’t have this much land in Kelowna. Everyone pretty much lives in apartment buildings and...’ he stopped suddenly. ‘Sorry, you probably don’t want to hear this.’

Jack could understand why Jonas would assume that. He hadn’t exactly made his dislike of Kelowna a secret. ‘You’re allowed to miss your home, Jonas.’

Jonas’s eyes shot to him as though shocked.

‘So what’s really on your mind?’ Jack asked bluntly, deciding a full frontal attack was called for if they weren’t going to end up spending the whole night out in the yard.

‘They’ve probably used the bomb,’ Jonas began.

‘Yes. So?’ Jack prompted impatiently.

‘So I helped build it.’ Jonas said as though Jack wasn’t already aware of Jonas’s past history with the bomb.

‘And?’

‘And it’s probably killed hundreds of people and...’ he stumbled into silence.

‘Bombs do that.’ Jack said implacably.

‘With all due respect, Colonel, I think I’m allowed to take a moment and feel some responsibility here.’

For the first time since they’d met, Jonas sounded pissy at him. Jack liked pissy. It was better than the self-pity that had coloured Jonas’s earlier tone and showed the kid might actually have the gumption to stand up to him one day.

‘So you should.’ Jack agreed. He waited a beat. ‘You finished taking that moment now?’

Jonas stared at him in disbelief.

‘Jonas,’ Jack said with some exasperation, ‘what did you think would happen?’

Jonas jerked his gaze away. ‘I thought it was going to be a deterrent.’

Jack remembered that. He sighed.

‘I should have been able to stop it.’ Jonas argued. ‘I was their advisor on ethics and social policy. I should have known...’

‘That they were going to use it?’ Jack supplied, bringing Jonas to a halt. ‘You wanted to think the best.’ The younger man shared that trait with Daniel.

‘I was naive.’ Jonas commented ruefully.

‘So next time you’ll know better.’ Jack gestured with the bottle. ‘You already do.’

‘It really wouldn’t have made any difference if I had stayed behind and tried to stop them, would it?’ Jonas asked bitterly.

Jack let the question drift away on the breeze that brushed his skin. He figured Jonas already knew the answer. ‘You’re making a difference here.’ He commented.

Jonas stared at him. ‘I am?’

‘Yes.’ Jack replied succinctly, wondering if he’d ever had more conversations with Daniel about his achievements whether it would have made Daniel think twice about Ascension. ‘Don’t let it go to your head.’ He advised with his usual brusqueness. ‘You still have a lot to learn.’

‘Right.’ Jonas said hurriedly.

‘Including when to accept that there are some things you can’t change.’ Jack said firmly.

Jonas grimaced. ‘That’s easier said than done, Colonel.’

‘It’s not supposed to be easy.’ Jack countered.

‘Major Carter said the same thing.’ Jonas said.

‘Well, she’s right.’ Jack felt another twinge of pride. Carter had come a long way from the green as grass Captain who’d gleefully waxed lyrical about the event horizon. ‘You have to learn to live with it or else you’ll go nuts.’

‘Like Doctor Kieran?’ Jonas replied.

Jack winced. He never had been the most sensitive guy on the planet.

‘Actually I think you could be right.’ Jonas said, oblivious to Jack’s reaction. ‘Obviously the naquadria exposure caused the physical degradation but you have to wonder whether seeing the test bomb and the destruction it caused didn’t have something to do with his mental decline.’

Jack’s lips twisted and he took a gulp of his beer. Yep. It looked like Jonas was going to be OK. He staggered to his feet. ‘Come on.’ He waved back at the house. ‘We should get inside before Teal’c and Carter send out a search party.’

Jonas got up with an ease of youth that Jack envied. He reached down for his beer bottle and Jack snagged it out of his hand.

‘We’ll get you another ginger ale.’ Jack offered generously. More beer for him, he thought.

‘Thanks, Colonel, and for, uh.’ Jonas gestured awkwardly.

Jack shrugged away his gratitude. ‘Just don’t make a habit of it. And hey,’ he raised the bottle, ‘first beer.’

Jonas smiled and it may have been slightly dimmer than the grins that usually adorned his face but Jack would take it. He followed Jonas inside to the warmth, got Jonas his drink and sat back down beside Carter.

‘So what did we miss?’ Jonas asked brightly, evidently eager to catch up on the movie.

Jack tuned out Teal’c’s succinct reply and the banter as Carter started to nitpick at the plot. He let his eyes travel around the four of them. It wasn’t the same, would never be the same without Daniel, Jack mused thoughtfully, but they were a team; they were SG1.

fin.