Fanfiction: Finding Solid Ground - Part IV

[rachel500]

For disclaimers and author's note see Part I.

 

Finding Solid Ground

Part III: Solid Ground - Continued

Sam looked up as Jonas entered the elevator.

He smiled at her widely. ‘Hey, I heard you were back. How was Area 51?’

‘OK.’ Sam said shrugging her shoulders. In truth it had been irritating. She’d spent the whole week distracted, thinking about the Colonel and whether he was OK, wondering how he was getting on at his cabin. McKay had finally snapped at her the day before, bluntly pointing out her lack of focus. It galled her to admit that he’d been right although she would rather eat glass than ever admit it to McKay.

‘They’re making good progress with the engines.’ She rolled her head, to ease the tension gathered in her neck muscles. She was tired. Home, she thought longingly. She’d just made her report to Hammond and he had dismissed her. His mild comment that they’d see her in the morning hadn’t quite been an order to get her butt off the base but it was close enough. ‘I think we’re going to have to rethink the shields and defences. We’re almost out of the naquadria.’

‘Really?’ Jonas’s smile fell away. ‘I guess I never considered how much would be needed.’

He looked so despondent that Sam couldn’t help but reach out and touch his arm gently. ‘Hey. You brought us more than we thought we’d ever have. We wouldn’t have even made the progress we have without you.’

Jonas attempted a smile and Sam realised he was doing it more for her benefit. ‘I realise that but it’s still disappointing that it wasn’t enough.’ The thought of whether he had betrayed his world for nothing could have been written across his forehead.

‘Whatever we come up with, Jonas,’ Sam said firmly, ‘whether we use the naquadria or something else, we will share it with you.’

‘Thank you.’ Jonas said sincerely. ‘I appreciate that.’

Sam nodded. She searched around for another topic. ‘Congratulations, by the way.’

He glanced across, his uncertainty at why she was praising him written all over his confused face. His openness brought a pang to her heart. Daniel had once had the same inability to hide his thoughts; she wondered when her Ascended friend had learned to mask his feelings, when she’d stopped being able to read him.

She dragged herself back to the present and waved at Jonas. ‘You helped get the Tok’ra to drop the charges against the Colonel.’

Jonas lifted the folder he held. ‘I think your father and Selmak had more to do with it than us.’ He smiled ruefully. ‘General Hammond made a great speech though.’

‘Which he couldn’t have done without all the prep work you and Major Davis put in.’ Sam pointed out.

‘Maybe.’ Jonas allowed. He gestured at her. ‘Have you heard from the Colonel?’

Sam shook her head, unwilling to acknowledge the disappointment that he hadn’t tried to contact her in his week away or her own confusion on whether she should have checked in with him. ‘He’s due back tomorrow to begin the psychiatric evaluation but he won’t be on duty again until he clears it.’

‘I understand that it’s usual procedure?’ Jonas’s natural curiosity shone from his eyes.

‘It is.’ Sam assured him.

The elevator slid to a halt.

‘This is me.’ Jonas said. He took a step out and turned to place a hand between the doors to prevent them from closing automatically. ‘Hey, if you see the Colonel, can you let him know I’m thinking of him?’

Sam nodded and Jonas let go of the doors. She gave a breath sigh of relief as they slid shut and she was alone.

She clasped her hands behind her back and stared up at the floor indicator. The Colonel had been due to arrive back earlier that day in Colorado Springs. Maybe she should stop by on her way home, check that he had everything he needed. She’d taken care of the house in his absence but maybe there was something she’d forgotten...and maybe she just wanted to have an excuse to see him.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Sam closed her eyes briefly. She had a horrible feeling she was more in love with Jack O’Neill than ever. Everything he had endured; everything he had gone through had just increased her admiration and her respect for him.

Stupid.

He didn’t feel the same way. Sure he had accepted her support during his withdrawal but she had a feeling that had been more for her benefit than his. She shook herself slightly. She had to pull herself together before she made a complete fool out of herself.

The elevator slid open and she stepped out almost colliding with Teal’c.

‘Major Carter.’ Teal’c allowed the elevator to move on without him as he bowed in greeting.

‘Teal’c.’ Sam gave him a wide smile. ‘It’s good to see you.’ She had missed the Jaffa’s steady presence both during the Colonel’s withdrawal and during her week away.

‘It is good to be seen.’ Teal’c confirmed, his stern features softening. ‘You look well, Major Carter.’

She pulled a face. ‘I look terrible, Teal’c, but thank you.’ She gestured at him. ‘General Hammond mentioned you’d spent some time out at the Alpha site?’

‘Indeed.’ The lines on his face settled into a look of deep satisfaction. ‘There has been much progress. I believe O’Neill will be pleased.’

Sam nodded. ‘I’m sure he will be, Teal’c.’

‘It is my understanding that O’Neill would be home this evening.’ Teal’c said. ‘Perhaps you would join me in visiting him?’

Visiting on her own would provoke questions but visiting with Teal’c? That would be OK, wouldn’t it? Sam bit her lip as Teal’c patiently waited for her answer and caught a glimpse of something in his eye. He really wanted to spend time with the Colonel, she realised. A flush of shame washed through her. It wasn’t just about her, Sam reminded herself. And maybe Teal’c needed to see Jack more than she wanted to. Maybe it was best if she didn’t see the Colonel at all until she had rebuilt her defences again.

‘Actually, Teal’c,’ she replied, ‘Cassie called me when I was away and she wanted to see me when I got back.’ It wasn’t a lie. The teenager had called, upset about her break-up from Dominic. ‘Maybe you could visit with the Colonel on your own and just pass on my regrets and that I’ll see him tomorrow?’

Teal’c inclined his head. ‘If you are certain.’

Sam attempted a smile and feared it was more of a grimace. ‘I’m certain, Teal’c. Oh, and can you let him know Jonas sends his regards too?’

‘I will, Major Carter.’

They went in opposite directions and Sam paused as she reached the women’s locker room. It was for the best; no matter how much it hurt.

o-O-o

Teal’c parked the base car outside of O’Neill’s home and reached for the square bakery box he had carefully stowed on the passenger seat. He made sure his grey hat still covered his Goa’uld brand and made his way to the front door, knocking solidly on the wooden surface.

A faint sound of movement inside the house assured him he had been heard. The door swung open.

Jack looked at him blankly for a moment as though unsure whether to believe his eyes. He lifted his beer in greeting. ‘Teal’c.’

‘O’Neill.’ Teal’c’s eyes ran over the SG1 leader noting how the clothes hung loosely from O’Neill’s frame; the deep lines that bracketed O’Neill’s pale, unshaven face and the listless dull look in his brown eyes. Teal’c was suddenly pleased that Major Carter had declined to come with him. He raised the bakery box. ‘I have brought doughnuts.’

Jack swept an arm towards the den and Teal’c accepted the invitation to enter. He removed his hat and placed the box on the table, aware that O’Neill had disappeared into the kitchen after closing the door. He looked around. There was an air of disuse about the place; to be expected given O’Neill’s long absence from the house. He glanced at the muted TV; pictures of yellow cartoon characters filled the screen.

He sat down and O’Neill reappeared. He placed a ginger ale in front of Teal’c, snagged a doughnut covered in powdery sugar and took the seat on the far side of the room.

Teal’c carefully chose a chocolate dipped doughnut from the selection and bit into it.

For a long minute the only sound in the cold den was their chewing.

Jack sucked the sugar off his thumb and washed away the sweetness with beer. ‘So what brings you here?’

‘I wished to welcome you home, O’Neill.’ Teal’c said without pretence.

Jack seemed startled. ‘Thank you.’ He shifted uncomfortably. ‘It doesn’t seem real.’ He murmured, indicating the room with a wide sweep of his arm, perilously close to sloshing beer on the floor.

Teal’c searched for a safe topic. ‘Did you enjoy your time fishing?’

‘It was fine.’ Jack’s thumb rubbed at the label on the bottle. ‘You?’

‘I was able to spend some time at the Alpha site.’ Teal’c informed him. ‘Progress is being made on the training programmes between the Jaffa and Tau’ri warriors there.’

Jack nodded uninterested. ‘Thanks by the way.’ He gestured at him. ‘The whole Tok’ra thing. Hammond called me to tell me the charges were dropped.’

‘It is Jacob Carter and Selmak to whom you owe your thanks.’ Teal’c corrected. ‘I am not certain without their intervention we would have been successful.’

Jack’s gaze strayed back to the TV.

Teal’c saw him glance at the ordered pile of videos stacked on the floor. ‘Major Carter ensured your TV show was recorded during your absence.’

‘She did?’ Jack looked up sharply, a spark in his eyes for the first time since he had let Teal’c enter his home.

Teal’c inclined his head.

‘She had other plans tonight then or did you get the short straw this time?’ Jack remarked caustically.

Teal’c got the reference. Daniel Jackson had once teased O’Neill unfairly that he had drawn the short straw when he had gone to see him during a period when O’Neill had briefly left the SGC on an undercover sting operation.

‘I am not Daniel Jackson.’ Teal’c said mildly. He waited a beat. ‘He would not have brought doughnuts.’

Jack’s eyes widened in surprised before he burst out laughing. He shook his head and raised his beer in silent salute to Teal’c.

‘Major Carter is visiting with Cassandra.’ Teal’c continued. ‘She sends her regards and looks forward to seeing you tomorrow. As does Jonas Quinn.’

‘Tomorrow.’ Jack repeated with a grimace.

Teal’c debated whether he should say something. He fervently wished for a moment that he was their former team-mate; Daniel Jackson may have known the words to pull O’Neill from whatever mood was upon him. Humans were perplexing to Teal’c at the best of times. He took a deep breath and determined to plough on. A Jaffa never backed away from a challenge. ‘Something troubles you, O’Neill.’

Jack paused, the bottle millimetres from his lips. He lowered it again. ‘You mean apart from being tortured and killed over and over again?’

‘Indeed.’ Teal’c took the sarcastic reply at face value.

Jack’s lips quirked and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. His eyes went back to the stack of videos. ‘Have you ever thought about giving it up, Teal’c?’

‘I have not.’ Teal’c replied. He mused if O’Neill was truly contemplating such an action.

‘Never?’ Jack queried.

‘Never.’ Teal’c confirmed.

‘Daniel gave up.’ Jack muttered as though to defend his own thoughts.

‘Did you yourself not say that Daniel Jackson believed he could do more as an Ascended being?’ Teal’c pointed out.

‘He got snowed by the sales speech.’ Jack replied incongruously, staring at his bottle. ‘It’s not like he can blast us out if we get caught by a Goa’uld or strike the bastard down.’

Teal’c frowned, wondering at O’Neill’s certainty.

‘To all extents and purposes, he gave up.’ Jack summarised, gesturing with the beer.

‘Are you seeking permission to do the same?’ Teal’c asked bluntly.

Jack winced but sat back, his dark eyes guarded as they met Teal’c’s. ‘Maybe I’m seeking a reason why I shouldn’t do the same.’

Teal’c felt ill-prepared and ill-equipped to respond. He wished again that Daniel Jackson was still alive. ‘I do not believe now is the time to make decisions of this nature.’

‘If not now, then when?’ Jack asked.

Teal’c considered his friend seriously. ‘Have you considered that your actions may be being influenced by your blending with Kanan, O’Neill? That his desires are influencing your own?’

Jack grimaced. ‘Yes. I have considered it.’

Teal’c looked at him expectantly. For a brief moment he thought his friend would not reply.

‘I don’t know.’ Jack admitted. ‘I want to say no...’ he shrugged as though to dismiss the thought.

‘Perhaps,’ Teal’c suggested, ‘you would be better to discuss this with Major Carter.’

Jack’s head snapped around and he coughed hard as the swallow of beer he had just taken went down the wrong way. ‘What?’ He managed eventually.

‘Perhaps as an ex-host she may be able to guide you into determining what of what you feel is Kanan and what your own true thoughts are.’ Teal’c responded evenly, intrigued by O’Neill’s reaction.

‘Right.’ Jack’s thumb worried at the bottle label again. ‘The ex-host thing.’

‘Unless there is another reason why you think you should speak with Major Carter.’ Teal’c added, unable to resist the opening. He was not unaware of the feelings his two team-mates hid from each other.

Jack shook his head, stopping when his gaze hit the video stack. ‘You ever watch The Simpsons, Teal’c?’

Teal’c registered the change in subject and acknowledged that O’Neill no longer wished to speak of the questions that were clearly preying on his mind. ‘I have not.’

‘How about a marathon?’ Jack suggested. ‘I’ll order pizza.’

Teal’c inclined his head in agreement. Jack gave a smile and raised his empty beer bottle.

‘Another ginger ale?’

‘I am fine, O’Neill.’ Teal’c waited until the other man had departed for the kitchen before he allowed his own gaze to rest on the video stack. He believed a conversation with Major Carter would enable O’Neill to move forward but he also believed that O’Neill had no intention of ever conducting such a discussion. He pressed his lips together and reached for his ginger ale. Perhaps if O’Neill would not go to the Major, the Major could be persuaded to approach O’Neill. He knew one thing was certain: he would need a superior strategy either way.

o-O-o

Daniel looked up as Oma settled beside him in the darkness. The lake lapped at the nearby shore; it was a shimmering silver mirror cutting through the black swathe.

They sat in silence for a long time. Both of them watched the night; the sparkle of stars long dead in the sky, the rush of the wind with its scent of flowers and water, the rustle of grass around them.

‘It’s beautiful here.’ Oma said softly. ‘It was one of my favourite places as a child.’

Daniel’s eyebrows shot up. ‘You were a child?’

‘We were all children once.’ Oma smiled at his shock. She nodded at the lake. ‘I remember swimming with my sisters in the moonlight as young women.’

‘Sisters.’ Daniel looked at her with puzzlement. ‘You and Morgan were sisters?’

‘Once.’ Oma nodded, her dark hair brushing her shoulders. ‘Many moons ago.’ Her hand moved through the grass and disturbed a butterfly that perched on her finger a second before it flew away, fluttering into the darkness. ‘I remember my previous life, Daniel. I remember the bonds I once held.’

‘But you don’t have those bonds any longer?’

‘Morgan and I...’ Oma shrugged. ‘Our paths went in different directions so long ago and there has been a universe to explore since we last met.’

‘And it has been enough?’ Daniel pressed. He had a feeling he was about to receive another lesson.

‘I always thought so.’ Her eyes gazed out at the lake serenely. ‘And I came to believe this should never be our knowledge alone.’

‘You want to share it with others.’ Daniel surmised. He let out a slow breath. ‘Like me.’

‘There are many who seek Ascension; who only seek knowledge and enlightenment.’ Oma said. ‘Yet only a few who can achieve it alone.’

‘So you help.’ Daniel concluded.

‘So I help.’

‘Against the wishes of the Others.’ Daniel pressed.

‘Against the wishes of the Others.’ Oma agreed without heat. She raised her face to the sky. ‘We are not without flaws, Daniel. We are capable of making mistakes and when we do...the consequences can have a reach far further than we can see or anticipate.’

‘I know you disagree with what I did,’ Daniel began.

‘I was talking of mistakes I have made.’ Oma interrupted with a smile.

Daniel’s mouth dropped open slightly and he shut it again. ‘I guess I never considered that.’ He wet his lips. ‘Do you consider helping me a mistake?’

‘I believe I am only beginning to understand why I helped you.’ Oma confessed with a sigh.

‘If you immediately know the candle-light is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago?’ Daniel teased, to cover the unease he felt at Oma’s answer.

She smiled in response. ‘And what of you, Daniel? You have stayed many days here.’

Daniel nodded. ‘I needed to think.’ He admitted. He sighed as he thought how best to explain himself. ‘I need to do this; be this.’ He waved at himself. ‘I don’t know why but it feels important somehow; like there’s something here I have to learn, or do.’ He gestured at Oma. ‘I’m not sure I can explain it.’

Oma nodded in understanding.

‘But I also don’t believe I was wrong to help Jack.’ Daniel blurted out. He turned away from her. ‘I get that I shouldn’t use my powers in judgement; that I’m not a God; that I don’t get to choose who lives and who dies but...’ his voice trailed away and he took another breath. ‘I can’t stand by and simply watch my friends suffer. I’m not sure I’m going to forgive myself for letting Jack suffer as long as he did and I’m not sorry that what I did helped to end it.’

He looked up at Oma. ‘I want to be Ascended and I will strive to work within the rules but I can’t give up the bonds I have.’ He held his breath as she regarded him thoughtfully. Would she send him back? As much as he missed his SG1 family, he didn’t really want to go back not just yet, not when there was so much more for him to learn...

Oma transformed; her body blurring into her energy form. ‘Then I believe we will both have an interesting journey ahead, Daniel.’ She departed and Daniel found himself alone again, relief rushing through him.

He found his thoughts returning to Oma’s words. She had once been human herself, Daniel mused. What did that mean? Were the Ascended beings simply Ascended humans like him? Or were they related to the Ancients, the builders of the Stargates, he theorised, remembering the writing in the temple. And what about her admission that they made mistakes? Daniel frowned. He guessed he’d already known that because of Orlin.

Daniel pushed a hand through his hair and flopped back on the grass to stare up at the endless sky. He hadn’t asked Oma about the balance thing, he realised, and given her comments about not really understanding why she had helped him, he wasn’t sure she would have been able to give him an answer.

Did it matter, Daniel wondered. He had what he wanted: he was still Ascended and he even had her tacit understanding that he would remain bonded with his friends but...the question of why Oma had helped him Ascend nagged at him.

He shook it away determinedly. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he made the most of his Ascension; learned what it was that he was meant to learn. He allowed his form to dissolve into energy and floated away into the night.

o-O-o

Jack stared at the base psychiatrist. He noted the careful press of Mackenzie’s uniform; the absence of the white coat. He knew it was a ploy to make him more comfortable; to make him forget they were in the middle of a formal session that would determine whether he made it back to the field or not. The uniform was meant to denote that Mackenzie was just another officer; one of the guys; someone Jack could confide in. Jack noted the strategy and sighed.

He was dressed in blue BDUs. The uniform felt strangely uncomfortable as though it knew Jack wasn’t yet committed to wearing it again. The rough collar of the shirt scratched at the back of his neck; the pants felt confining. He longed for the worn-denim jeans and soft cotton shirts of his downtime.

Mackenzie was waiting for Jack to speak. The sharp-nosed, perceptive-eyed, dark-haired shrink had waved Jack into the visitor chair in the small office and simply said: ‘When you’re ready.’

Jack wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready. He sat stiffly in the chair, legs splayed, arms folded. He was sure Mackenzie was noting the body language and drawing conclusions.

The psychiatrist shot him an understanding smile. ‘Perhaps we should begin with the last week.’

‘What about it?’ Jack shot back immediately.

‘Tell me about your cabin.’ Mackenzie invited. ‘It’s in Minnesota, isn’t it?’

‘Yes.’ Jack’s chin lifted as he regarded Mackenzie suspiciously. ‘I’m not really...’ he flicked his hand at Mackenzie, ‘I don’t want to talk about my cabin.’ And it had nothing to do with the continuing dreams he’d had there or that it hadn’t brought him the sense of peace he craved.

‘I understand.’ Mackenzie said soothingly.

‘What?’ Jack snapped back.

‘That the cabin is a place of safety for you.’ Mackenzie answered evenly, ignoring Jack’s anger. ‘That you want to keep it private; that you don’t want it to become the property of the US Air Force even in words logged on a report.’

‘Yes.’ Jack looked away from Mackenzie focusing on a spot on the far wall where someone had evidently scratched the paintwork. ‘That.’

Mackenzie waited again.

The silence grew longer.

Jack’s skin crawled with tension. ‘I’m thinking about retirement.’ He blurted out.

The psychiatrist didn’t even blink. ‘I think that’s a perfectly natural reaction.’

‘You do?’ Jack’s eyebrows shot up.

‘I would be concerned if you displayed an eagerness to return to the field given your experience.’ Mackenzie said.

Jack assimilated the quiet statement. He’d been gung-ho after Iraq; determined to ship out again ASAP. The Special Ops shrink had signed his papers and he’d been on the next flight out. He’d thought he was being a man; facing up to his fears...he was beginning to realise all he’d done was bury them. Maybe there just wasn’t any more space in his head to bury anything else.

Mackenzie shifted as though he’d guessed Jack’s thoughts. ‘Tell me about last week.’

o-O-o

Sam checked her watch surreptitiously and tried to focus on the report on her monitor. The Colonel was in with Mackenzie; had been for two hours. Clearly, his experience called for an extended session. She’d seen him briefly when he’d arrived; he’d stopped by the mess where she, Teal’c and Jonas had been breakfasting, declined to join them and said he was already running late and would catch them later.

She hadn’t been able to stop herself noticing that he’d looked tired and thin as though he hadn’t rested the entire week he had been away. She gazed blankly at her monitor before turning away with a muttered curse.

God, she had to stop thinking about him!

Her phone rang and she picked it up grateful for the distraction. ‘Major Carter.’

‘Sam? It’s Jonas.’ The Kelownan said cheerfully. ‘Teal’c and I are going to head to the mess for a snack. We thought you might want to join us?’

A snack sounded tempting and it wasn’t as though she was going to get any work done, moping about her lab, Sam mused. ‘Sounds great.’

‘We’ll meet you there.’ Jonas said.

Sam hung up the receiver and turned off the monitor before she exited the lab and walked over to the elevator. She briefly gazed at the stairs; it was only one level...she pressed the elevator call button.

The sound of footsteps had her turning to look down the corridor and her heart leaped at the sight of the Colonel. He slowed as he caught sight of her but continued to approach until he stood next to her.

‘Carter.’ Jack nodded at her.

‘Sir.’ Sam gestured at the elevator. ‘I was just on my way for a snack with Jonas and Teal’c.’ She bit her lip. ‘Would you like to join us or...’

‘I’m...’ Jack waved a hand at her, ‘you know. Maybe tomorrow.’

The elevator arrived and the two of them entered the small compartment.

‘So, how was the fishing?’ Sam asked brightly, trying to cover the awkward silence.

‘Fine.’ Jack stared up at the floor indicator. ‘It was...’

The compartment shuddered; the lights flickered and with a screech the elevator suddenly fell, throwing Sam into Jack as the lights went out completely.

He caught hold of her as just as suddenly it jerked to a halt and their momentum carried them into a wall. Jack turned them without thinking and took the brunt of the blow as they hit the solid surface and bounced onto the floor. The emergency red light flickered on bathing them both in a scarlet flush.

‘Sorry, sir.’ Sam said as she extracted herself from his arms.

‘Not a problem, Carter.’ Jack gestured with one hand at the emergency phone as he rubbed his new bruises with the other. ‘You want to do the honours?’

Sam moved gingerly to her feet and over to the phone. She picked it up and frowned. She tried again but replaced it when there was still no dial tone. ‘It’s not working, sir.’

‘Of course it isn’t.’ Jack said dryly.

She pressed the alarm; nothing happened. She looked at the panel and dived into a pocket to pull out her key-ring with its assortment of tools. ‘I think the power is out, sir.’

‘Of course it is.’

Sam glanced at him, noting the caustic tone. ‘You OK, sir?’

‘Let’s just say I don’t have as much of an appreciation for small, cramped spaces as I used to.’ Jack muttered.

She grimaced in understanding. His time in the sarcophagus had evidently left him with some claustrophobia issues. ‘I’ll see if I can reroute the telephone, sir.’

‘Have at it.’ He waved at her as he manoeuvred into a more comfortable position, wedged in a corner.

Sam pressed her lips together and focused. She would get him out; she would.

o-O-o

Jack watched as Sam became absorbed in her task. He let himself stare at her unashamedly, knowing she was usually oblivious to everything else around her when her mind was focused on something. She had eschewed the BDU shirt and her long sleeved black undershirt skimmed over her body, accentuating her modestly enough. There was a glint of metal at the back of her neck; the chain holding her dog-tags, Jack mused. He let his gaze roam downwards. She wore the same blue BDU pants. They covered her legs, hiding them from view but hinting at the long length, the shapely derriere and the curve of her hips.

He looked away abruptly. Damn it. It was bad enough he was dreaming about her every night without adding more detail to it. He rubbed a hand over his face; through his short hair. His gaze drifted back to her; he could only see her face in profile but he knew there would be a line between her brows as she concentrated. Her lower lip was pulled between her teeth. Her nose wrinkled as she hit a problem.

God, he had it bad. Jack closed his eyes. The image of her filled his mind along with a familiar scent. He breathed in the orange fragrance and filled his lungs with it. Somehow his muscles relaxed; his stomach unknotted.

The session with Mackenzie had been long and tiring. Jack was surprised how much he had told the psychiatrist but he hadn’t told him everything – nothing about his feelings for Carter and how they played into all that had happened – and Mackenzie wasn’t dumb; he knew Jack was keeping something from him.

Strangely, Mackenzie had also suggested the same course of action as Teal’c: talking to Carter to gain her advice as an ex-host on sorting out his emotions from Kanan’s.

‘You seem uncomfortable with the suggestion, Colonel.’ Mackenzie peered at him speculatively.

‘That would be because I am.’ Jack retorted.

‘Why is that?’

Jack pressed his lips together. ‘I’m not talking with her about this.’

Mackenzie leaned forward. ‘If your positions were reversed, would you not want her to feel comfortable that she could come to you.’

‘That’s not the point!’ Jack snapped. ‘And it’s different.’

‘Because you’re her CO.’

‘Exactly.’ Jack agreed.

‘Yet you allowed her to remain with you during your withdrawal.’

Jack flushed. ‘Yes. Well. That wasn’t the plan.’

‘But you did allow it?’

Jack sighed. ‘She’s already seen me sick as a dog and in pain. She’s our field medic; it’s hardly news to her.’

Mackenzie regarded him thoughtfully. ‘Which are you more afraid of, Colonel? That you’ll discover your desires influenced the symbiote or that the symbiote is influencing you right now?’

‘Ouch!’

His eyes snapped open. ‘Carter?’

She turned briefly towards him and he took in the sight of her sucking on her finger with raised eyebrows. ‘Just a shock, sir.’

No kidding.

She waved her uninjured hand at the panel. ‘I can’t reroute the power.’

Of course she couldn’t.

He sighed and patted the floor next to him. ‘Pull up a seat, Carter. You might as well get comfortable.’

She eased back along the wall and slid down to sit beside him. ‘Sorry, sir.’

‘Not your fault.’ Jack murmured. None of it was her fault. Not his taking the symbiote; not Kanan’s desire to rescue Shallan; not his inability to leave her at the force-shield two years before nor his inability to move on. He eased his head back until it made contact with the wall. He figured they could be stuck for a couple of hours before they were rescued.

She shivered beside him.

‘Cold?’ He asked, concern welling up as he took in her pale face.

‘A little.’ Sam admitted, hugging her middle tightly enough that Jack knew she meant a lot.

‘The power outage must have taken the heating out too.’ Jack noted. He unceremoniously unbuttoned his shirt and handed it to her.

She took it and frowned at him as she registered his short-sleeved t-shirt. ‘Don’t you need this, sir?’

‘I’m fine.’ Jack said. He sighed at her uncertain expression. ‘Just put it on, Carter. I can always demand it back if I get too cold.’

She shrugged it on without any further argument. It swamped her and he reached over without thinking to adjust the twisted collar.

She blushed faintly. ‘Thank you, sir.’

He nodded and withdrew his hand smartly.

Silence filled the small compartment.

It was his turn to shiver. He ignored the pointed look Carter levelled at him and rubbed his arms.

‘Sir, we could sit closer and share body heat.’ Sam suggested sensibly.

‘Right.’ Jack didn’t move and Sam gave a sigh and shifted position herself. She pressed into his side and he shifted his arm, draping it across her shoulders as her head came to rest awkwardly on his shoulder. He looked at where to place his hand: did he cup her shoulder, or simply rest it on her arm or...he fisted it, leaving it dangling a good two inches from her body.

Jack breathed in. The orangey scent was stronger now she was all but curled up in his lap. He looked for a neutral topic. ‘How’s Cassie?’

‘She’s OK, sir.’ Sam replied after a brief hesitation. ‘She broke up with Dominic.’

‘Should I be doing my happy dance?’ Jack asked dryly.

‘He called just as I left last night.’ Sam said. ‘So I wouldn’t get my hopes up.’ She paused. ‘Sir.’

His lips twitched.

She shifted subtly against him and he tried to ignore the feel of her in his arms. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t make it over last night, sir.’

‘’S OK.’ Jack reassured her. ‘Although you did miss a Simpsons marathon.’ He added trying to keep it light-hearted.

‘So Teal’c said.’ Sam murmured.

‘I should thank you for recording them all.’ Jack continued.

‘You’d do the same for me, sir.’ Sam replied.

And he would. It’s what friends did for each other, Jack reminded himself. Friends. Team-mates. He sighed. ‘Teal’c said I have Dad to thank for getting the charges dropped.’

She nodded, her hair brushing the underside of his chin. ‘They should never have pressed charges in the first place.’ She sounded so disgruntled on his behalf, he had to smile.

It faded as Mackenzie’s question nagged at him. Ask her, a voice whispered in his head; just ask her. He sighed heavily.

‘Sir?’ Sam murmured.

‘What if they were right?’ Jack pushed the question out almost stumbling over the words. ‘What if I did unduly influence the snake?’

Sam moved so swiftly to look at him, she took him by surprise. ‘With all due respect, sir: bullshit.’

He searched her fierce gaze; the mutinous set of her jaw and felt the wall he’d built around him in the previous week crack wide-open. ‘It’s possible, Carter.’ He looked away from her. ‘He loved her. He didn’t want to leave her behind.’

He felt her stiffen with realisation as she worked out what he believed had influenced Kanan. ‘It’s still bullshit, sir.’

Jack looked back at her almost amused at her ferocity.

‘Sir,’ Sam moved again to look at him fully, ‘the key word here is unduly. All hosts and symbiotes influence each other but they determine what they act on. Even if Kanan did see...’ she waved a hand at him, ‘you choosing not to leave someone behind, he didn’t have to act on it in regards to his own situation.’ She held his gaze. ‘He certainly didn’t have any right to use you to make the rescue without your consent. That was just pure selfishness.’

Jack nodded slowly. He motioned for her to resume her previous position. She curled up immediately.

‘You know if he had woken me up; asked me; I’m not sure I would have said no.’ He confessed into the silence.

‘You would have said no.’ Sam said confidently, contradicting him. ‘It was tactically too dangerous, sir, and put Earth and the Tok’ra needlessly at risk. Maybe you wouldn’t have left, uh, Shallan, behind in the first place but you wouldn’t have gone back for her just out of guilt; not when the safety of others was at stake.’

There was another silence as he assimilated her words. He felt humbled. He wasn’t sure he deserved her unquestioning belief in his honour; not after the last week and his thoughts of retirement, of pursuing something with her.

‘It’s a weird thing, isn’t it?’ He mused out loud. ‘This whole snake sharing thing.’

‘Weird.’ Sam agreed. She paused. ‘Dreams?’

‘A few.’ He admitted without expanding.

‘They go away.’ She assured him.

‘Good to know.’ Jack said sincerely. He waited a beat. ‘When?’

She chuckled for a moment but sobered. He saw her fingers wrap around one of her knees. ‘You know after Jolinar it took a long time for me to feel like myself again.’

‘I’m beginning to get that.’ Jack murmured. But he could feel the confusion in his own mind easing in the empathy of her confession.

Sam shifted again; easing up to look at him with intent blue eyes so dark in the dim lighting. ‘You’re you, sir.’

He knew he had his selfish side; something that was all Jack O’Neill. A part of him that selfishly wanted out; to ignore his duty and his honour; to take the excuse being tortured offered him and head back to his cabin away from the war and the losses. But Carter believed him to be so much better than that, and he wanted to be better; for her, to be worthy, to be the man she believed him to be.

Kanan’s own selfishness was a part of him too; Kanan wanted to be with Shallan and he wanted to be with Carter. That’s probably why he’d been dreaming about them, Jack realised. But Kanan had gone after what he wanted and, well, Jack didn’t really want to look at the outcome.

It would be so easy, thought Jack; so easy to close the last few inches between them; to kiss her; taste her; lose himself in her touch. But Carter deserved more than a kiss, or even a relationship borne out of his own selfish needs; she deserved his protection. It was her job on the line if he kissed her; her life on the line. And it was his job on the line, his life on the line, if he failed to keep her safe. He knew that all too well. And so, he hesitated, held back like he always did and nodded.

‘I’m me.’ He said lightly, and for the first time since he’d woken in Ba’al’s fortress, he believed it.

Carter smiled at him.

The elevator juddered, grabbing both of their attention, and it began to move slowly.

‘They must have fixed it.’ Carter slipped out of his loose hold and got to her feet.

Jack staggered up, supporting himself on the wall. The elevator stopped and the doors opened on the commissary level. There was a reception committee: Hammond, Fraiser, Siler and the remaining members of SG1.

‘Colonel. Major.’ Hammond grimaced at them. ‘Are you OK?’

‘A little cold, sir.’ Jack said breezily. He gestured as he stepped out. ‘Carter received a small electrical shock trying to fix the phone.’

‘I’m fine, sir.’ Sam said immediately even as Janet reached for her hand to check. ‘Really.’ She turned to Siler. ‘What happened?’

‘An unexplained power outage, Major.’ Hammond replied. ‘It seems the power conduits to the entire elevator system shorted out somehow.’

‘I’ll look into it, sir.’ Siler promised.

‘Do that, Sergeant.’ Hammond ordered. ‘I don’t want this to happen again.’ He nodded at his two officers and departed.

‘I am pleased to see you are both well.’ Teal’c murmured.

‘Me too.’ Jonas broke in cheerfully. ‘We were worried.’

He could see it on their faces; they’d been concerned and probably about more than him and Carter just being trapped in an elevator.

‘So.’ Jack said, his gaze settling on the rest of SG1 as Sam retrieved her hand from the doctor. ‘I hear there was talk of a snack?’

Sam’s smile lit up her whole face, and Jack saw her delight reflected in Teal’c’s quiet gleam of approval and Jonas’s wide grin.

‘Mess, sir?’

‘Lead on, Carter.’ Jack said.

Janet cleared her throat. ‘If I could just have a moment, sir?’

Sam hesitated mid-step and Jack gestured for her and the others to continue. ‘Carry on. I’ll meet you there.’ He turned to the petite brunette and shoved his hands in his pants’ pockets. ‘What’s up, Doc?’

Her eyes narrowed on him. ‘I just wanted to check you’re alright, Colonel. Getting trapped in a confined space given your recent experience...’

‘I was fine.’ He took in her sceptical look and responded with a raised eyebrow that challenged her to disbelieve him.

Janet nodded slowly and walked away in the opposite direction, heading for the stairs, Jack noted with amusement. He spun on his heel and went after his team. He caught sight of Carter waiting for him at the entrance, still wearing his shirt, the sleeves almost swamping her arms. He should probably get that back from her before too many people saw it and jumped to conclusions, Jack mused.

Something inside him settled as he fell into step beside her and he let go of his doubts. For the first time since Daniel had said the words to him, Jack finally let himself believe it: he really was going to be alright.

fin.