Fanfiction: Crossroads - Part I

[rachel500]

Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Summary: With Atlantis on Earth, Jennifer Keller contemplates her personal and professional choices as life conspires to force her to make decisions on both fronts. 
Rating: PG-13
Author's Notes: Written for Women of the Gate community to thank everyone for their continuing support.  I really wanted to write a story looking at Jennifer's life choices following Enemy at the Gate from her POV as a twenty-something woman in a professional position of responsibility and embarking on a romantic relationship.  Thanks to Sky for the beta.

Pairing is McKeller.  I'm going to say upfront that personally, I'm neither very pro or very anti McKeller. I liked the ship as it was depicted in The Last Man, was somewhat supportive of it through S5 when it first aired, but having rewatched recently, I admit that the way it was written in S5 leaves me with the impression of a flawed relationship - not that these flaws couldn't be overcome but definitely that there were things that would need to be dealt with to make the relationship lasting believable.  Hence, if you only read unambiguous happy-ending/fluffy-McKeller, this story may not be your cup of tea as it is definitely angsty.  Other pairings mentioned: Teyla/Kanaan, Ronon/Amelia, brief past Ronon/Keller.

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Written for entertainment purposes only.

Richard Woolsey is the first to move, briskly reminding everyone that there is work to do to prepare for the delegation due to arrive the next day to begin deciding Atlantis's future, not to mention the million repairs that are required to fix Atlantis post the battle with the Super-Hive and re-entry to Earth.

Jennifer Keller sighs and slides out from under Rodney McKay's arm. Her eyes land on Ronon Dex and Amelia Banks. She'd heard on the grapevine that there might have been a date but the easy glint in Ronon's eye and the soft smile on Amelia's face suggest that things have progressed beyond that. For a moment there's an uneasy queasiness in Jennifer's belly as though the ground had shifted unexpectedly and sent her stomach plummeting.

Her lips tighten. She's fine, she tells herself briskly. She wants Ronon to be happy and it's good that he's found Amelia. But Jennifer's always been honest with herself and it takes her only a moment to mentally sigh and acknowledge that she's disappointed that Ronon has moved on; that she's no longer the woman he wants even though she's with Rodney – has actively chosen Rodney over Ronon. She knows she's supposed to have been upset in some feminist "I'm not an object to be fought over" kind of way but deep down she'd been secretly thrilled at having two men compete for her affections. It had made her feel powerful and attractive.

Jennifer smiles ruefully, watching Amelia lead Ronon back to the infirmary. She should head there herself. And she is happy for them. After all, she has Rodney.

There's enough defensiveness in the thought that she tries to shake it away immediately. She's happy with Rodney, she is, but she's too aware why she chose him over Ronon; that a relationship with Ronon seemed way out of her league. Not that she was afraid of Ronon's size and temper, but definitely wary of the passion that she had sensed beneath the surface. She has imagined an affair with Ronon would be a rollercoaster, a whirlwind as scary as it might be thrilling; out of her control.

Rodney with his surprising sweet courtship has seemed a safer choice in comparison; she can handle Rodney. But beyond that, Jennifer fervently believes that she and Rodney suit each other better. They have shared experiences of being a child genius and the subsequent social issues that occurred when someone skipped grades and their classmates were all three or four years older. They're both scientists despite Rodney's occasional rant about the validity of medicine as a science. They have similar values.

Jennifer rolls her eyes at the mental list. Is she trying to justify her relationship with Rodney because she's momentarily thrown that she's lost Ronon's regard? She hopes not. She doesn't need to do that; she truly cares for Rodney, he cares for her – she has no doubt about that at all since he's just told her that she's all he needs. She turns to look at Rodney - maybe to reassure herself - and finds him talking to John Sheppard and gesticulating wildly at the view.

John's been really sweet to her since she and Rodney got back from their last trip to Earth together as a couple. John's included her in invites that have previously only involved his immediate team and, while she has carefully accepted some and declined others, she appreciates his gesture. In return, she's never complained when Rodney tells her he's arranged to play racing cars with John or to babysit for Teyla or some other team thing. She's sent Rodney off with a smile on her face and the knowledge that she isn't one of those girlfriends who make their guy choose between them and their friends.

"I'm heading back to the infirmary." She announces and Rodney pauses in whatever litany he's in the midst of detailing.

Rodney smiles at her as she leans in to kiss his cheek. She walks away with the sound of Rodney resuming his rant and John's quiet laughing "Rodney" echoing in her ears.

o-O-o

It takes General O'Neill and Woolsey, in a bizarre double act that Jennifer always recalls with disbelief, a mere two hours to convince the IOA that Earth needs Atlantis only if they need another reason for bad guys to stop by. The Atlantis team is given permission to return to the Pegasus galaxy with the proviso that they park Atlantis closer to the Milky Way to reduce the travel time for the spaceships. They're given orders to get everything operational as soon as possible. Rodney complains at the amount of work, the pressure on him and his team, but Jennifer knows he's thrilled.

A week later, Jennifer and her team have organised the med labs into pristine order. Woolsey has the very long list of things and personnel they need before they leave for Pegasus, and like many of her staff, Jennifer has requested leave. Carson Beckett will look after things in her absence.

Jennifer bounds along excitedly to Rodney's lab to give him the news. She hasn't seen Rodney for most of the week and when she has caught sight of him, he's usually in transit between repair jobs. She knows he's too busy to come with her and she thinks he'll be relieved not to have to. For her own part, Jennifer would rather spend the time with her father without having to worry about whether he and Rodney will get along. Of course, she wants her father and Rodney to spend time together, she tells herself, but there'll be another time when Rodney's not stressed by the repairs and they can plan something properly.

Rodney isn't in his usual lab but there are about twenty other scientists in there, most of whom she doesn't recognise but they're wearing SGC identity cards and she assumes they must be on loan, helping with the repairs. She finds Miko in charge of a whiteboard and the other woman reluctantly gives up Rodney's location, repeating several times that she doesn't think it would be a good idea to interrupt him. Jennifer decides to find him anyway. He'll need to eat and they can go for dinner.

He's squirreled away in a small corridor trying to fix...something. She hears the yelling before she sees him. When she turns the corner Radek Zelenka is standing beside Rodney wearing an identical angry look as Rodney berates a team of three cowed engineers. There is a panel open on the wall, a mess of tumbled wires and crystals spilling out.

Radek sees her first. His eyes widen behind his glasses and he moves to intercept her, hands up and supplicating. "Now is not good." He tells her in a low voice.

Jennifer smiles. "It's OK, Radek. I won't keep him long." She tries to sidestep him and is surprised when Radek moves to counter her.

"Please." Radek says again. "Now is..."

"Radek!" Rodney snaps, whirling around and freezing at the sight of Jennifer. Confusion filters across his face, replacing the angry slash of colour across his cheekbones and the hard flint of his blue eyes, which are underlined with shadows. There's a film of sweat on his upper lip and brow; his thinning hair is sticking up wildly.

Jennifer suddenly gets the message. It's a bad time; something has gone very wrong and she's interrupting Rodney in the middle of his work.

"I'll come back." She offers with an apologetic smile.

Radek looks from her to Rodney and back again. He mutters something Czech under his breath and his shoulders go back as though he is about to enter battle.

"If you come all this way, must be important." Radek states firmly. He marches back up to Rodney and takes the datapad out of his hands. "Go. Take a break, Rodney."

"Radek..." Rodney's tone is acid sharp.

"I can yell at the morons who tried to kill us just as good as you." Radek points out. He waves at Jennifer and without missing a beat begins to yell at the three engineers, picking up seamlessly where Rodney had broken away.

Rodney's chin goes up and he motions for Jennifer to follow him further up the corridor. They're barely at the corner when Rodney brings them to a stop.

"Did we...have I...I didn't..." Rodney's hand weaves at her in mute query.

"No, we didn't have anything arranged," she's almost amused at his assumption, "I just wanted to tell you something but maybe it can wait till later when you're not working."

"Really because I don't know if I'll have time later thanks to these idiots. They almost blew up the entire pier trying to reroute a system that should never be rerouted! It's going to take hours to undo what they did and it's not as though we're not on tight deadlines as it is!"

"I'm sure it's not that bad, Rodney." Jennifer means to be soothing but she knows Rodney's taken her words to mean she thinks he's exaggerating when he goes white than red in short order.

He manages to wrestle back whatever retort he'd been about to make and Jennifer knows he makes the effort for her. He looks back to where Radek is berating the scientists and folds his arms. He huffs and returns his gaze to her.

"You wanted to tell me something?" Rodney bites out.

Jennifer regrets her decision not to follow Miko's advice, or Radek's for that matter; this wasn't the way she had thought the conversation would go. But she's there and Rodney's there so she ploughs on. "I'm taking some leave to see my Dad. I'm going tomorrow for three weeks."

Rodney looks surprised. "You're going to see your Dad now?" He repeats as though he can't believe it.

She nods. "Yes. Carson's filling in for me and everything's organised."

"I'm sorry but you did attend the senior staff meeting didn't you? You do know how much work there is to do before we can get Atlantis operational, right?" His voice was rising with each sentence. "You do know how much work I have to do? I can't just take off for three weeks to visit your Dad right now and…"

"Keep your voice down, Rodney." Jennifer interrupts sharply, glancing towards the now gawking team further down the corridor, and even Radek looks on, worry in every taut line of his stilled body. "I know you're busy; I'm not asking you to come with me." She continues and Rodney stares at her blankly.

"You're not?" Rodney asks plainly bewildered.

"No, like I said I know how busy you are." Jennifer tries a small smile. She's suddenly unsure of herself; she had thought Rodney would be pleased that she didn't expect him to accompany her.

"So you don't want me to come with you?" Rodney asks again; there is an unusual look of incomprehension on his face. "Because I thought we'd do that while we're here, you know, I go with you to see your Dad; you come with me to see Jeannie."

He's still too loud but Jennifer ignores it. "Sure, we can do all that before we leave for Pegasus." She reaches out and tugs one of his hands into hers. "Look, come and take a break now. We can have a goodbye dinner. I leave in the morning."

"Dinner?"

"Yes, dinner." She lets go of his lax hand and sticks her own behind her back. "Rodney?"

"So, you want to drag me away from my work, my very important and vital work to stop us from blowing up, to have a last minute goodbye dinner that I've known nothing about and to be frank, I'm not in the mood for at all, but you don't want us to visit our families together?"

"I didn't say that!" Jennifer argues back, anger beginning to stir. He's deliberately misinterpreting what she had said. "I said we'd go another time and we will."

"So you said."

There's a sneer in the words that raises her hackles. "I don't understand what the problem is, Rodney. You're busy, and I want to go see my Dad so I decided to take some leave. I thought you would be pleased that you didn't have to come with me."

"Yes, you decided." Rodney points out triumphantly, raising a shaking finger to stab in the air towards her. "Aren't we supposed to decide these things together?"

"We're dating each other, Rodney; we're not tied at the hip." Jennifer retorts but there's a blush rising in her cheeks because maybe, maybe, he has a point.

"You know what? I don't get it. I don't get it." Rodney throws his hands up. He has a frantic look in his eyes. "I mean, we're together or, at least I thought we were. I try and do the right thing and say the right thing but then it's the wrong thing! And what the hell is up with that? I'm really trying here and…you know what? I can't deal with this right now."

He yells the last, whirls around and storms back to Radek. He snatches the computer out of Radek's hands and drops to sit cross-legged by the open panel.

Jennifer's embarrassed and humiliated; her cheeks are heated almost to the point of pain. She crosses her arms tightly. There are a dozen responses that she wants to shout back but none of them can make it past the tight feeling in her chest. Her assumptions seem fragile and uncertain in the light of their argument. She turns and walks away. She wants to be angry but instead there's a panicked upset that burns at her gut. She wonders if they've broken up. She makes it back to her quarters before bursting into tears.

o-O-o

Jennifer has almost finished packing when there is a hesitant knock at her door. Teyla had turned up within minutes of her brief crying jag the previous night. Jennifer wonders how she knew but there were witnesses to the argument after all. She had told Teyla she didn't want to talk about it and then spent a good hour talking about it. She figures Teyla's probably popping by to check on her and opens the door.

Rodney stands on the other side with a sheepish, half-smile dancing uncertainly about his crooked lips, one hand behind his back. "Hi." He offers a small wave as though to underscore the greeting.

Jennifer takes a moment to look over him and realises that he looks better than he did the day before as though he's slept, showered and eaten since the last time she saw him. "Hi."

"Can I come in?" Rodney asks. "Only I'd like to apologise but I don't think you want me apologising out here and, uh, causing another scene." He's flushed with embarrassment and Jennifer motions for him to follow her into the room.

He spots the bags immediately but doesn't say anything. Rodney's other hand suddenly appears from behind his back. It contains a single pink rose.

Jennifer smiles automatically because it is a thoughtful gesture. "Thank you."

"So, I wanted, want that is, to say that I, um, well, I might have, in a completely sleep-deprived state, yelled at you in a deeply public and insane way that was very, very bad." Rodney looks abashed and sincerely apologetic.

Jennifer's attention is arrested. "You were sleep-deprived?" She wonders how she missed the signs when she had seen him. She hadn't, Jennifer realised thinking back; but she'd been too caught up with the argument to see the symptoms as symptoms.

Rodney waves away her concern. "I'm fine. Sheppard and Carson conspired to lock me in my room to get a straight eight hours of nap time." He sounds disgruntled but there's a thread of pleasure running through his voice. "And obviously when I woke up, I, ah, remembered and..." he points at the flower.

"Stole a flower from botany?" teases Jennifer, her heart lightening a little.

"Don't tell Parrish." Rodney jokes.

For a moment, they're both smiling at each other and Jennifer feels some of the tension and misery of the previous night seep away.

She fingers the rose gently and plucks up the courage to admit her own mistakes. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I didn't recognise that you were sleep-deprived, and I'm sorry that I didn't wait to tell you at a better time." She waited a beat. "And that I didn't discuss my plans with you before making a final decision."

Her talk with Teyla had prompted her to think about Rodney's assumption that as a couple they would have discussed things first. She'd thought about how she would have felt if their positions had been reversed and hadn't been able to deny that she would have been annoyed at Rodney for making assumptions. He had seemed genuinely taken aback that she hadn't planned for him to accompany her and admittedly, she was taking a lot of her leave all at once so there would be only a limited amount for her to fulfil her promise of 'later' in terms of the family visits.

"Um, thank you?" Rodney sounds unsure; hesitant. He's fidgeting with the edge of his jacket and the zipper; rocking back on his heels.

"I should have talked with you before I decided anything," Jennifer admits, "but I'm used to it just being me and I assumed you would be busy, and that you would be pleased." She sighs. "You know it's not because I didn't want you to come with me?"

He makes a whirly gesture in the air. "Look, about, that. Maybe I can get away for a weekend, maybe. It's just that Radek and I, we're the only ones who know the history of some of the previous patches to the primary systems, and a lot in the secondary systems that we need if we're going to make hyperspace, and not to mention the scientists from the SGC are worse than useless although Bill isn't too bad and neither really is Kavanagh because he knows some of the systems and protocols at least and..." he stops and takes a breath. "Actually, scratch that I really, really can't get away right now."

"It's OK, Rodney." Jennifer says. She hadn't expected anything different. "I understand."

"It's not that I don't want to, you know that, right?" Rodney looks at her with a pleading expression. "Well, I mean, when I say want, I mean you know I'm not really enthusiastic about rural small-town Americana and you have to have realised that I'm not that great with the whole meeting the parents thing but I would want, that is, to spend time with, uh, you." His left hand finishes up pointing at her before he drops his arm and rocks back again.

Jennifer moves and slides her arms around his waist as she reaches up and kisses him. He's a beat behind before he kisses her back and his arms encircle her but the kiss is good and chases the last shadows of their argument from the room.

"This means we're OK, right?" Rodney says.

Jennifer leans back in his arms and her lips quirk up into a rueful smile. "We're OK," she assures him, "I guess we had to have our first major fight sometime."

"So, make-up sex?" Rodney asks hopefully.

She laughs and kisses him softly before pulling away reluctantly. "Hold that thought." She waves at her bags. "My ride is leaving in..." she checks her watch, "fifteen minutes."

"We only need five." Rodney says seriously.

She bursts out laughing. "When I get back; I promise."

Rodney nods sheepishly. "Would you like me to, uh, carry your bags to the jumper bay?"

Jennifer shakes her head. "I'm OK and I'd rather we said goodbye here." They've given the gossips enough to talk about for a while.

Rodney gives her an understanding look. He moves in for another hug and kiss. Her door chimes as they separate. Jennifer opens the door to find Carson there.

"Rodney." Carson greets him cheerfully.

"Carson." Rodney holds his head up high, smiles shyly at Jennifer and walks out swiftly.

"Came to help you with your bags, lass." Carson says with a wide smile. 'And to ask you if everything was OK after the argument with Rodney but seeing as you've made up...?" his voice trails away on a high questioning note.

"Yes, we've made up, and yes, everything's OK." Jennifer confirms happily. It's nice that Carson has thought to check on her since he was Rodney's friend too. She accepts his help and Carson hoists one bag while she takes the second.

"Glad to hear it." Carson says cheerfully. "I know he's not the easiest of men at times."

"No, he's not but he's trying to change and that says a lot. And actually," Jennifer admits in a burst of honesty, "yesterday was partly my fault." She blushes at Carson's surprise. "I mean, I'm not saying Rodney should have talked to me like that in public, and I know he knows that too, but I did make assumptions about what he wanted so…" she sighs and lets the guilt worrying at her out for a moment, "I should have realised Rodney was sleep-deprived."

It was something that had plagued her when Rodney had been infected with the parasite and it still hurts to think of her failure; for being too flattered by Rodney's flirting to realise it was a symptom of changed behaviour. To have done it again...to have ignored his symptoms and simply accepted his behaviour...

"Why did you ask me to take Rodney back as his doctor of record when you became a couple?" Carson asks bluntly.

Jennifer knows what he's trying to say; she was too close. "I'm a doctor. I should have known."

"You were there as his girlfriend, Jennifer; not as his doctor." Carson leads the way out of the transporter.

Jennifer accepts the chiding admonishment and doesn't argue. She thinks she should have realised.

"May I ask you a question?" Carson asks tentatively. There's a serious glint in his eyes and Jennifer tries to tell herself it's nothing.

"Sure," she replies cheerfully, "but I reserve the right not to answer."

He laughs and the moment lightens enough that she breathes out in relief.

"Jennifer, Rodney has many, many faults," Carson says, "and, yes, he's working on some of them, but you do accept that he's not going to fundamentally change, don't you?"

Jennifer hears the underlying judgement that Carson thinks she's trying to change him and she's not...not really. Rodney accepts that there are things that he needs and wants to change himself; they've talked about it. She's just being supportive. She flushes red, feeling guilty and defensive anyway. "I know that, Carson."

Carson accepts her answer but Jennifer can tell he's not convinced. But he changes the subject to the medical roster and they fall to talking about the infirmary the rest of the way. He hands her the bag at the jumper bay door and they say goodbye. Jennifer finds the jumper and her steps slow as she catches sight of John in the pilot's seat.

John casts a smile at her over his shoulder. "Hey, welcome aboard. You're the only passenger so as soon as you stow your stuff we'll get going."

Jennifer does what he says and nervously takes the passenger seat. Every conversation opener sticks in her throat as John confirms their departure with the gate room. For all she's spent more time with him since getting together with Rodney, she doesn't really know him that well beyond their working relationship, his reputation and her own observations.

The reputation differs on who is asked; to most of the military, he's a bad-ass commander who they'd follow anywhere; to the scientists, he's a useful tool because he has the gene; to the medical staff, he's a pain in the ass and a far too frequent visitor. Most of the men want to be him but his reputation among the women is surprisingly one of 'nice to look at but don't get involved.'

Jennifer considers his reputation as a womaniser highly exaggerated. She hasn't seen him with many women; there are a couple of attractive scientists he's smiled at somewhat hopefully but he seems happy enough to look and not touch; seems generally to accept his complete lack of success in getting anywhere.

She wonders if anyone really knows John; if he's let his team inside enough to know him or whether they only see the laid-back flyboy with the easy charm; the dedicated military leader with the mile-wide protective streak about his team, his people and his city.

The jumper lifts off effortlessly and flies into the blue sky with such ease that Jennifer feels her breath catch at the wonder of it. She's rarely flown with John at the controls and every time she feels the difference. It's not just because he's a natural with Ancient tech, Jennifer muses, it's because he's a natural pilot.

A glance at his face has her smiling; there's glee written in his unguarded eyes, the lines etched into his skin ease out as he relaxes with every moment spent in the air.

"You love flying, don't you?" Jennifer says, mentally underscoring it again on her list of Things She Knows About John Sheppard.

John smiles at her sheepishly. "Let's say that I was really happy Rodney asked me if I could take you."

"Rodney asked you?"

John winces as though he wasn't supposed to say anything but she thinks he knew exactly what he was saying and why; he wants her to know Rodney cares about her; that her boyfriend organised Jennifer getting the best pilot in Atlantis because he was sorry about their fight.

"Uh..."

"Don't worry, we made up." Jennifer says baldly.

John doesn't look surprised at that. He looks over at her. "He was pretty miserable last night."

"I should thank you for looking after him." Jennifer blurts out.

"That's what friends are for, right?" John says easily, shrugging off her gratitude.

"Is that why Teyla came to my room?" Jennifer asks, voicing her suspicion.

There's a hint of red colouring the tips of his ears but John raises an eyebrow and says nothing. It's as much of an admission as she's likely to get that Teyla was dispatched by him.

She snorts.

John lifts a shoulder. "We take care of our own."

Jennifer feels the rush of warmth through her at his words. She's pleased at the acceptance.

"Besides, a happy McKay is a good thing," John states authoritatively, "and I know being with you," he shifts in his chair, "makes Rodney happy."

It's possibly the most personal and nicest thing he's ever said to her and he's sincere, she can hear it, but she's unsettled at his certainty. She remembers Carson's comment. For a moment, she wants to ask John how he tolerates the things about Rodney that must annoy him too but it seems too intrusive of John's friendship with Rodney and too revealing of her own thoughts about Rodney. She bites her lip instead and pulls her knees up, her feet perched on the chair as the cloaked puddle jumper skims over the water.

There's silence for the rest of the journey.

o-O-o

Shelley Morgan had lived next to Jennifer Keller from the age of ten months to fifteen years old. They've remained friends despite the separation when the Morgans had left to live in the next town and Jennifer went to university; through their various work placements including Jennifer's assignment to the Stargate programme. Jennifer arranges to have dinner with Shelley and to catch-up in the second week.

She tries not to think about the fact that she hasn't heard from Rodney. She knows that he's busy and probably working all hours to fix Atlantis but a part of her is disappointed that he hasn't called at all. She decides to enjoy her night out with Shelley and ignore her relationship issues.

The restaurant is a nice one with linen on the table, cut-glass crystal and shiny silverware all neatly arranged in an archaic order than Jennifer barely remembers. She would have been just as happy at a bar somewhere with a laminate menu and beer on tap but the place is Shelley's choice.

Shelley arrives in a cloud of expensive perfume and coiffed dark hair that makes Jennifer lift a hand self-consciously to her own simple chignon and wonder if it's classy enough. But after they drink the complimentary cocktails and order the food, Shelley lets loose with her raucous laugh and her brown eyes shine with her ribald sense of humour and it's as though no time has passed at all as they giggle over the waiter's perfect smile and great ass.

The aperitifs are spent catching up with Shelley; law school, junior associate in a small law firm in town but with the possibility of partner one day, having convenient sex with the gorgeous Brad, another associate. Shelley gets a wistful expression that says she'd like more with Brad than sex but it would ruin her aspiration to emulate the character of Samantha from Sex and the City.

They move onto Jennifer over the mains. Jennifer tells half-truths, that she's abroad working as the Head of Medical for an international research programme but on what amounts to a military base, and is thankful when Shelley doesn't press her for details beyond whether the military guys are hot. Jennifer's reluctant to tell her about Rodney - not because she's embarrassed, she tells herself hastily, - just that Jennifer feels protective about Rodney.

Shelley eventually pins her down over desserts. "Aw, come on. I told you all about my sordid love affair," she points her spoon dripping with chocolate sauce over the pristine white table, "spill!"

"His name is Rodney," Jennifer begins.

"Rodney?" Shelley's elegantly arched eyebrows head up her smooth forehead.

"Rodney," Jennifer repeats sternly, daring her to make fun of his name, "and he's...he's brilliant. He's Head of, uh, Science and Research on the programme. He's a bona fide genius."

Shelley nods approvingly. "So how did you two get together?"

"It's..." Jennifer wonders how she can explain. There's so much that's subject to confidentiality; so much she can't say. "Complicated." She finishes weakly.

Shelley rolls her eyes. "Jenn, come on! It can be that complicated."

"Well, we...I was his doctor."

"Oooh." Shelley licks her spoon. "I'm beginning to like the sound of this."

Jennifer sticks her tongue out at her. "And we...we went for a drink, you know, as friends; nothing serious."

"And then?" Shelley's eyes have narrowed on Jennifer's face.

"And then, he got sick." Jennifer hears the break in her voice and stops for a moment to regain her composure. She's never really talked with anyone beyond Rodney's sister about what happened when Rodney was ill; of falling heavily for a Rodney devoid of his usual defensiveness and arrogance; about her own feeling of failure at realising the truth of it; of horror at seeing Rodney fading away.

"Sweetie." Shelley reaches over and takes her hand.

"He's fine now but," Jennifer smiles tremulously, "he almost died and..."

"And you fell in love." Shelley says quietly but with a pleased look on her face.

"Well, I saw who he could be underneath the usual Rodney bluster, you know?" Jennifer admits. "But then I started to notice how it was him just that he does this sarcastic, arrogance thing as a defence which makes him hard to get to know."

Shelley laughs ruefully. "Sounds familiar."

Jennifer smiles back at her because Shelley has that in common with Rodney only Shelley is aware of it more than Rodney; tempers it more in the way Jennifer wishes Rodney would. "Anyway, we started having lunch and dinner together occasionally...and then he invited me to a physics convention as a proper date and..." she blushes at the memory of their trip home, "and that's everything really. We've been together ever since."

"Which is what?" Shelley asks with interest.

"Almost four months?" Jennifer says adding up the time in her head.

"So, serious." Shelley states, as she finishes her dessert with a flourish and reaching for her half-filled glass of Chardonnay.

"Semi-serious." Jennifer admits. "We haven't talked about anything more but maybe one day."

"And do you have a picture?" Shelley wheedles, gesturing with her glass.

Jennifer's tempted to say no but she reaches for her purse and pulls out the only picture of Rodney she has. She had taken it herself at a movie night when every other attempt to get Rodney to pose had failed. It's a picture of the team in one of the recreation rooms on Atlantis although there is nothing too obviously alien about the architecture or surroundings. It's a non-descript couch on a grey wall with four people crowded onto it. It's a candid that she'd taken between the formal shots. Rodney, John, Teyla and Ronon are all laughing and not looking at the camera. Ronon is far left, head thrown back and legs in the air, howling at something John has said; Teyla is grinning broadly beside him, Rodney is smiling crookedly at John who is sporting a wickedly devilish grin as he looks back at Rodney.

"OK, so which is Rodney?" Shelley asks as she looks at the photo curiously.

Jennifer points to him.

"And who is the hottie beside him?" Shelley replies.

"His friend, Colonel Sheppard." Jennifer says stiffly.

"Well, if he's single, send him in my direction." Shelley laughs breezily. "Although I wouldn't kick the guy at the end out of bed either."

"I prefer Rodney." Jennifer states, hating the defensiveness that colours her words but she can hear the faint echo of the thief who had ended up in her body telling her she can do better. Maybe Rodney isn't the most obviously attractive man but there's something about his blue eyes and his crooked smile.

"Oh, I see what you see in him." Shelley surprises Jennifer by saying. "He has that quirky non-conformist thing going for him."

Jennifer wants to protest but before she can Shelley is pushing the photo back to her and changing the subject to the latest news scandal.

They hug goodbye outside the restaurant and Jennifer shivers in the cold night air as it cuts through her thin evening jacket.

"Keep in touch more. You do know how to use email, right?" Shelley admonishes as she pushes Jennifer towards the cab. "And Jenn?"

Jennifer pauses one leg already into the vehicle.

Shelley leans to whisper in her ear. "I always knew you'd be Charlotte. She's the one who got the happy ending after all." With that final punch-line, Shelley takes a step back, waves goodbye, and hurries away to her own cab.

Jennifer contemplates Shelley's parting words all the way back to her father's modest townhouse. She knows the comparison to the Sex and the City character was meant to be a compliment of sorts; that she'll have the happy marriage, two point five kids, and the white picket fence; a comfortable existence; the happily ever after. Yet when she tries to seriously imagine that with Rodney, she can't imagine Rodney anywhere but Atlantis.

She's reminded that when John went to the future that another Rodney had left Atlantis – and she can see how that Rodney set adrift without his team might leave Atlantis. But even then, that Rodney spent his entire life working out how to return John to the past and fix the timeline thus ensuring he didn't have to leave.

As for herself...she's happy on Atlantis; the work is challenging and she thinks she's made good friends in the two years she's served there. She's grown as a person and she's gained more confidence in her ability to face the unknown. There's no longer a habitual ache to come home to Earth as there once was. But to remain on Atlantis? To be married there? To have kids there? Jennifer can't quite imagine that.

Which leaves her where with Rodney?

Jennifer blows out a long breath in the bubble of reality that surrounds her in the back of the cab. Maybe she's borrowing trouble. They've only been together a short time. It's too early to think about the logistics of a more serious commitment. There are a lot of relationship milestones to achieve before then: their first Valentines, first anniversary, maybe moving into the same living quarters, and maybe then an engagement, marriage and kids. It all seems very far away and Jennifer's relieved. They have time.

Her father is waiting up for her when she gets home, reading a book under the bright light of a single lamp in the den. She wants to protest at being treated like a child; for him worrying about her when she faces life-threatening situations all the time. But she kisses the top of his head instead.

He replaces his bookmark in the novel he's reading. "Your young man called."

"He did?" Jennifer's lips twitch. Rodney's older than her by enough that she can't quite reconcile him as 'her young man.' Trust Rodney to choose the one night when she's out, she thinks, but there's a glow of delight that he has called; has missed her enough to tear himself away from work to connect with her. She slumps into a chair opposite her father.

"We had a very interesting conversation." Her father is smiling so Jennifer assumes Rodney didn't insult him. "I think it would be good for you to call him tomorrow, I'm not sure he believed you were out." He waits a beat. "You had a fight before you left?"

Jennifer tenses angrily. She can't believe Rodney told her father about their fight. No; she can believe it because Rodney probably got tongue-tied and started babbling. "We did make-up before we left too."

"You might want to reassure him of that. He's sent you some emails."

There's nothing judgemental in her father's tone but she can't help the retort that springs up. "I haven't logged on; I'm on holiday. Rodney should have known that."

Her father's eyebrows go up.

"Sorry." Jennifer rubs her forehead. "Just...I'm tired. I didn't realise he was going to email me instead of calling me."

"Did you tell him you wanted him to call and not to email, Jennifer?" Her father asks.

She blushes at the reprimand she hears in the question. "I didn't think I had to." She mumbles. It was typical Rodney. He had chosen the easiest method of communication for him, not thinking about whether the other person would want to communicate that way.

"Men are not mind-readers." Her father says dryly.

Jennifer glares at him. "I thought you were supposed to be on my side."

"I am on your side," her father replies, his blue eyes twinkling, "which is why I'm giving you this advice now." He gets to his feet.

"I didn't think you approved of my relationship with Rodney." Jennifer blurts out.

Her father pauses, surprise written all over his freckled face. "I have some reservations about the age gap between you. But I admit that having spent ten minutes tonight reassuring him that you were alive despite not answering his emails, I know he cares about you."

"And he didn't, I don't know, annoy you in any way?" Jennifer asks incredulously, because Rodney annoys most people including the ones who love him.

Her father smiles at her. "I have some experience with socially inept geniuses." He pats her shoulder. "Have some water before you go to bed." He disappears up to his room and leaves Jennifer wallowing in her indignation.

Her father's always honest with her. It's what she loves about him; hates about him. She sighs, unable to really sort through the mass of confusion in her head between the alcohol buzz and her tiredness. She heads to bed.

In the morning, she calls Rodney on his cell and leaves a message that she's fine and he can call her back. She logs into her email account and sees that Rodney has sent her multiple emails; one each day. They start with "I'm sorry I can't be with you," progress to "John says I can't kill anyone but I think I can get him to change his mind if I add a laser gun to his racing car" and end with "Are you still alive? OMG, maybe you've been kidnapped!"

She's touched and annoyed all at the same time. Touched because he's thought about her every day which is good and makes her feel wanted; annoyed because he sent her emails which is bad because he hasn't thought about it, not really. No matter what her father says about mind-reading, she's certain Rodney should have thought about the fact that she was on vacation and not likely to be logging onto her email.

Touched and annoyed.

It's becoming a regular feature of her relationship with Rodney and she doesn't know if that's a good thing or not.

o-O-o

She arrives back early from her leave. She's been restless through the third week, bored in truth and eager to get back to work. OK, maybe she had logged on and done some work but she's never admitting that to Rodney especially after Rodney had called her and she had told him that she never looked at her email on holiday (and ignored his reply of "Really? Who doesn't check their email on holiday?").

She admits that she's looking forward to seeing Rodney. He has made a point of texting or calling her on her cell every day since that initial call. Sometimes he's sounded harassed; sometimes he's been audibly working even as he's talked to her but he's made the effort and she appreciates it. There had even been one memorable attempt at phone sex before Rodney had been called to deal with an emergency.

She's kept her return secret wanting to surprise him. Her flight was delayed so the dinner part of the evening is probably out but it's early so hopefully she can drag him away from the repairs and have the make-up sex she'd promised before she left.

He isn't in the lab.

"Team movie night." Radek tells her with a smile. "The Colonel wouldn't take no for an answer."

Jennifer hovers uncertainly in the corridor outside of Rodney's room. Surprising Rodney in his lab in front of a few scientists is one thing, bearding the lion in the middle of his family pack is another. Look on the bright side, she tells herself; they could all be in John's room and she can sit in Rodney's until he stumbles back. She takes a deep breath and waves her arm at the door panel.

The door slides open easily – Rodney's keyed it so she can access without knocking – and she steps inside the semi-dark with a smile pinned to her face and the word "surprise" hovering on her lips. It never gets said.

Rodney is fast asleep. So is John. They're both sitting on the floor by the side of Rodney's bed, dressed in their usual on duty uniforms, jackets and over-shirts discarded; the laptop still playing the movie on the coffee table in front of them; flashes of light playing over their faces. Rodney's face is half-smushed into John's shoulder and he's drooling on John's black t-shirt; John's head is tilted to rest on Rodney's. They look so cute.

Jennifer can't prevent the real smile that overtakes the fake one. She bites her lip assessing whether she can sneak back out and grab her camera to take a photo before one of them wakes up because the picture they make is so adorable. And suddenly, it's as though she's walked in on something much more intimate than two friends falling asleep on each other.

She flushes and looks away.

It's stupid, she tells herself, even as her eyes start to catalogue the debris on the chest of drawers she's staring at; debris that tells her Ronon and Teyla were in the room at one point; discarded mugs and bowls, pizza boxes, Teyla's shawl, Torren's toy. It was definitely a team night.

But she can't quite shake the feeling that she's the intruder; can't help but think back to all the rumours that swim around Atlantis. She has never believed any of it, not least because she's done a lot of their physicals over the past two years. They're friends; close friends. That's all.

She looks back at the two men and freezes. John is looking back at her; hazel eyes completely flat, expressionless, cold. Her heart beat speeds up; adrenaline rushing through her: fight or flight her instincts scream at her.

She blinks and he's smiling back at her sheepishly as though to apologise for the moment where he wasn't awake enough to recognise her; his face is transformed from the edge of something dangerous into boyish charm that she supposes is to reassure her he's harmless. He mimes meeting her outside of the room. She nods, wondering how much of what she had been thinking he'd seen on her face. She steps backwards and heads out.

John joins her a moment later, rubbing the back of his neck as though there is an ache there. "Hey, Doc." He smiles at her ruefully. "I guess I fell asleep there."

Jennifer attempts to smile back. "Sorry for waking you." She tries for a teasing tone. "You two made a cute picture."

John looks pained. "Yeah, how about we never mention that again?"

His embarrassment eases her own and she smiles again more genuinely. "And give up my opportunity to get Rodney to do whatever I want?" She waggles her eyebrows.

John holds both hands up in surrender and waves towards the door. "I'll leave you to it." He takes a step down the corridor and stops. He looks over his shoulder and gestures vaguely again. "Nice to have you back. He's missed you."

Jennifer nods and smiles at him which turns out to be whatever additional assurance John needed because he walks swiftly away and is gone before Jennifer has turned back to the door.

It opens again and she finds Rodney on his feet, looking faintly bewildered. Possibly he'd woken up after John had left, surprised to find himself alone. His expression changes the instant she walks in, filling up with such obvious delight that Jennifer feels intensely grateful for his openness; it never fails to make her feel wanted.

She rewards him with a fierce kiss before he even gets the half-dazed "hello" out of his mouth. He stops trying to talk – questions of when she'd gotten back, about her visit to her father, about something or nothing she wants to talk about – when she pulls him towards the bed because one thing Rodney isn't is stupid.

Later, she lies looking at the ceiling in Rodney's bedroom, listening to Rodney softly snoring beside her and wonders whether her envy about Rodney's close friendship with John has always been rattling around in her head or whether it's a new thing. She doesn't want to believe she's jealous; knows she doesn't have to be jealous because it's not a competition.

There's no doubt in her mind that Rodney loves her; sees her as his future wife, the mother of his children. Rodney's not exactly subtle about his intentions. Jennifer can't ignore the tiny voice in her head asking if that's what she wants. She stares at Rodney's back and wonders.

o-O-o

The infirmary is quiet when Jennifer bounds in to say hello. She's not officially back on duty until the next day but she wants to be back at work already. She feels like an eager puppy as she presents herself to Carson.

Carson grins at her and welcomes her back. He waves off her request to get brought up to speed and tugs her instead into a lab. "Actually I've been working on something that you should see before you get inundated with the usual minutiae."

She's more than a little curious and happily allows being led to a stool while Carson lines up something on the computer to show her.

"Now, I hope you don't mind," he says with a faintly apologetic air which does nothing to hide the gleam of excitement in his eyes, "but I was looking through all the information on your Wraith treatment and had an idea."

The Wraith treatment. The one she had developed to eliminate the Wraith's need to feed on humans using Michael's research. The one that had gone horribly wrong and killed Todd's hive – had almost killed Todd who is languishing in the Atlantis brig. The treatment she's been working on for months and hasn't figured out how to fix.

She sits back and pins a smile on her face. "OK. Show me what you've got."

Carson grins at her happily. "So, we know the original serum produced was able to reverse the feeding mechanism in the Wraith from the dependence on human life to normal food."

"Yes," Jennifer says, "Todd confirmed that. But the treatment also compromised their immune system and created a life-threatening cancerous disease that their bodies weren't able to fight."

Carson points towards the computer monitor. "Which got me thinking about Ellia."

"Ellia…" Jennifer takes a moment to place the name. "She was the young Wraith girl you encountered? The one that took the early version of the retrovirus?"

"Yes, that's her. Now her father," Carson waves a hand, "or rather the man who raised her, he told me that Ellia when she was young she fed just like a normal human girl and that it was only on reaching puberty that she needed to feed on humans."

Jennifer nods. She half-remembers the file.

"Now, I theorised at the time that it was some kind of hormonal change linked to the onset of adulthood. But thinking about further in light of your research, I believe it is a progression of their immune system." Carson presses a button and a picture of Ellia before the transformation zooms onto the monitor. He gestures with his hands. "I think the feeding change is triggered by a collapsing immune system. Human life as a nutritional source is a secondary concern. It would explain why her father's serum never worked. It might have replaced all of her basic nutritional needs but would never sustain her body." He stops and raises a hand. "Obviously, this is just a hypothesis and we have no way of testing it without a young Wraith to observe."

Jennifer nods. But she follows his logic and it's not a bad theory. She tells him so. "But if we view the treatment in light of this theory then it would make sense why Todd's hive became so ill. The treatment like Ellia's father's serum only deals with one side of the equation; the feeding – it doesn't deal with the immune system issue."

He presses his lips together. "Exactly. Which got me thinking about the Jaffa."

Jennifer doesn't follow the leap in logic this time. "The Jaffa?"

"I know, I know; two completely different species separated by a galaxy but with a similar problem." Carson pulls up another slide in his presentation. "When the Jaffa reach puberty their immune system begins to fail. Without the implantation of a Goa'uld symbiote or, more usual these days, the use of tretonin, they would die."

"Tretonin." Jennifer repeats. "I remember reading about this. Isn't that synthesised ground-up Goa'uld?"

"Essentially." Carson nods.

"You're not suggesting using tretonin with the Wraith in conjunction with the treatment?" Jennifer asks.

"No, I fear the tretonin would be no use in its current form to be useful to the Wraith; the physiology between the two species is too different and there is the long term reliance that would need to be resolved." Carson says. He pulls up another folder on the monitor. "No, what I'm suggesting is that we look to the solution in the source DNA of the problem: the iratus bug."

Jennifer thinks she's missed a beat again. "I'm sorry?"

Carson shifts impatiently on the stool beside her and Jennifer's not used to feeling slow; she grimaces.

"Sorry, my fault." Carson says. "I was thinking about tretonin and thinking that if we were to do something similar that we would need to replace the Goa'uld element with iratus bug and that's when it hit me: the treatment targets reactivating the digestive system of the Wraith which they received from human DNA." He moves again; almost a full body vibration. "Look, Michael's initial research is based on my retrovirus. He was attempting to make the Wraith more human. Ultimately, I believe he abandoned this line of research in favour of making humans more Wraith-like because the Wraith DNA which is a mix of human and iratus bug as you know is incredibly complex. He could get results much faster focusing on humans as a less complex canvas to alter."

He says it so calmly that she shivers. There are times when Carson scares her just a little.

"So, you're saying," Jennifer struggles to understand and sighs, "what are you saying exactly?"

"Michael's original treatment assumed the same framework as mine," Carson repeats, and the tiny hint of irritation in his brogue makes her think he believed she would have gotten it much faster than she's actually understanding it, "he thought, like I did, Wraith to human. He ignored the iratus bug DNA."

Jennifer nods. "But I tried using the iratus bug DNA to strengthen the therapy." She admits. "It didn't work." She isn't seeing what he evidently is.

"Oh, I know and I believe that it may have been the underlying cause for the disease that the Wraith suffered after the treatment."

Jennifer flinches at that.

"No, I believe we have to focus on that part of the Wraith DNA which causes the immune system to be sustained by its food source and that is associated with the iratus bug, and switch it off in favour of initialising a human immune system." Carson says as though it was a simple matter.

"I'm not sure I would even know where to start to do that." Jennifer admits. Genetics isn't her field; it's Carson's. Yes, she's had to get up to speed thanks to Michael's machinations and Carson's own situation, but she still feels light years behind in terms of her understanding.

"Well, that's where you're in luck, my dear, because I do." Carson grins at her again. "I studied the Wraith DNA extensively, and I have a good understanding of its original iratus source DNA following Colonel Sheppard's experiences. I believe I've identified the relevant part of the DNA that corresponds with the feeding and immune linkage."

He's bringing up simulations and preliminary tests results on existing cell material they had stored on the screen almost too fast for her to follow as he takes her through the process. She does know it's brilliant and will revolutionise her treatment. If it works, the Wraith will no longer want to feed on humans and their immune system should remain intact. When he's finished, she nods at him in agreement.

"So what's the next step?" She asks, stretching her back and her arms.

"I'd like us to take this to Mister Woolsey." Carson says. "Request permission to begin working on taking this gene therapy straight away."

She acquiesces on the basis that he leads the discussion and takes charge of the project. She's out of her depth and she's not going to pretend otherwise.

Fifteen minutes later, she sits down in the conference room with Woolsey, John and a belligerent Rodney who proclaims loudly he doesn't know why he's there. Carson takes them through a simplified discussion of his theory and the potential treatment.

John frowns. He's slouched down in his chair; arms folded tightly over the black BDU shirt he wears with the sleeves rolled up. His black wrist band contrasts with his tanned skin. "I'm not sure, Doc. Isn't playing around with the bug DNA dangerous?" He looks faintly queasy and Jennifer can't blame him after his experiences.

"I have to admit to sharing the Colonel's concerns." Woolsey says.

"Believe me, Colonel, I appreciate the dangers," Carson says earnestly, "but I truly believe this is the only way to go if we're to make the treatment successful, and we've never had a better chance of success. We'll take every precaution."

John lifts a hand in response to Woolsey's questioning glance. "If the Doc says he can do this safely…"

"There is the problem of a willing subject once it's ready to test." Carson states delicately.

John grimaces. "There's Todd."

"Really?" Rodney says, speaking up for the first time.

"I'm not sure how willing he's going to be to do this a second time." Jennifer says. "We did kill his entire hive the last time."

"He's not exactly got anything to lose right now." John counters, moving to sit up straight, clasping his hands on the table in front of him. "All the original reasons for him doing it haven't gone away."

"How is our guest?" Woolsey asks, adjusting his glasses.

"Getting hungry." John reports bluntly. "We're rapidly getting to the point where he needs…" he makes a circular motion with on hand, "you know, a human."

"We could offer him stasis." Rodney suggests suddenly, turning to John eagerly.

John meets his excited gaze and wags a finger at him. "In exchange for trying Carson's new treatment when it's ready. That could work."

"And providing new tissue samples before he enters stasis." Carson adds quickly.

All three men turn their attention back to Woolsey. Jennifer feels the sting of being excluded from their decision making, no matter how unintentional; she doesn't think any of them realise that they've effectively cut her out of the discussion. She shifts in her chair but stays silent.

Woolsey sighs. His gaze lands on Jennifer with a hint of an apology. "Doctor Keller, since you've assigned Doctor Beckett to lead the development of this new treatment, I suggest that he goes with the Colonel to explain the situation. The change of doctor may mitigate, uh, Todd's concerns regarding a second attempt."

Jennifer nods, aware her cheeks are flaming red. "You're probably right." She's proud that it comes out evenly and without a hint of the sense of failure that smarts at her ego. She's not used to failing.

"Besides," Woolsey says gently, "you're still officially off duty until tomorrow."

She flushes at the reminder and tries to pretend it wasn't a reprimand.

"If that's all?" Woolsey flips his folder shut decisively. "Present the offer, Colonel."

The meeting breaks up and Rodney catches up with her by the door as she watches John leading Carson off to talk with Todd.

"I don't know about you but all this talk of feeding has made me hungry." Rodney beams at her and touches her arm with a single finger. "Lunch?"

His appreciation for her makes her feel a tiny bit better and she nods. "Sounds good." She lets him talk about that morning's antics in the lab, the animated wash of sound soothing.

Continued in Part II.